Another sweltering sub-Saharan summer’s day in late spring. If this is global warming, one Reform candidate says: “Bring it on.” He goes outside to the van, turns on the engine and leaves it running - because nothing says “I care about the planet” like idling a fossil-fuel burner. Back indoors, he turns on the radio where Tony Blair is talking. Yes, the same Tony Blair who invaded Iraq. A politician who “talks sense,” apparently.
Bollocks to net zero. That’s what he says. It stands to reason. Think back to the ice age - there weren’t that many international flights a day while the Neanderthals were alive, five or six at most, and the world still got a whole lot hotter. So it’s all just woke nonsense. He makes a note to ask if Tony is free to come up to Makerfield to do some door-knocking.
A WhatsApp from Nigel - running 10 minutes late, meeting at the local cafe with photographers and a tame reporter. While waiting, he checks emails. One from Carol Vorderman, moaning about him saying how fit she was online. Some women just can’t take a compliment. He guesses she must be going through the menopause or something. Make your mind up, love, he thinks.
Then the email from Danny Kruger - of course there is. He messages every day, always the same: admiring his northern, working-class authenticity, longing to come out with him one day to service a boiler. Never been inside a council property before, curious to know how the little people live and whether he should spray himself in disinfectant first. Then the “but” - “I love your typically forthright banter, it’s adorable, but it might be helpful if for the next three weeks you tried to rein it in a bit.”
Finally, the Daily Hate from Zia Yusuf - that guy lives in a permanent sense of rage. Today he’s having a go at Robert Jenrick for not understanding that Reform’s policy is to deport any foreigner living in social housing. How thick must that Jenrick guy be? Thank God he’s not going to be running any department when they win the next general election. Now is not the time to go soft. Of course they should be deporting foreigners - that’s why they call them foreigners, because they are foreign. Who wants to live in a country with foreigners in it? That Rupert Lowe guy knows what he’s talking about. Might suggest to Lee Anderson that they try to recruit him.
He drives the 50 yards to the cafe, wanders in and shouts: “Give us the usual, please, darling and try to keep your hands off my stopcock.” Sandra laughs. Nigel is already there surrounded by his security and various members of the media. Looking natural and relaxed. “What do you fancy, Nige? And I’m not talking about Sandra. Boom, boom!”
Nige asks for the menu. “I’ll have the most northern breakfast you can rustle up - full English with extra black pudding. And none of your fancy cappuccinos. Instant will be fine. I’m not like that softie Andy Burnham - bet he starts the morning with a croissant and an oat milk flat white.”
“That’s because he’s a middle-class metrosexual from Liverpool,” the candidate snaps. “He’s not properly northern like us.” Nige smiles, puts a large forkful of fatty bacon into his mouth while the snappers take pictures, then sends the media away and starts retching. “That was fucking disgusting. I’m never eating that shit again. But you can finish it off if you want.” Two breakfasts. Result! It’s going to be a cracking day.
Half an hour later, after Nige has had a couple of fags and his first pint of the day, they both get in the van and head out canvassing. First stop is one of his customers. “How are you doing, Jim?” “Not so bad - though the pipe is still leaking.” He goes back to get his tools, and while fixing the leak asks who Jim is planning on voting for on 18 June. “Back in the day, I voted for Boris,” Jim says. “So did I - Boris was a great bloke.”
“Just don’t talk to me about Brexit,” the candidate says. “It’s been a total disaster. All those politicians like Boris and Nigel just talked pish throughout the campaign.” He feels a kick in his legs - it’s Nige. “I didn’t talk pish during the referendum. Brexit has been a total success apart from the bits that haven’t. Reform is all for Brexit.” He does a double-take - he hadn’t realised he now supported Brexit. Still, pleased to know he now thinks something totally different. “I love Brexit. The EU can go and do one. Along with the foreigners.”
It doesn’t take long to fix the leak. “How much do I owe you?” Jim asks. Nige chips in: “That will be £5m, please. That’s my standard rate callout charge. It’s to cover my security. I mean, it’s a donation. Actually, call it a gift. Just for the pleasure of meeting me. A chance to see Nigel being Nigel out in the wild. And if it’s all the same, I would rather you paid me in crypto. Makes things easier all round.”
“Actually,” the candidate says, “you can pay me in roubles. The cash will come in handy for my next holiday in St Petersburg. I love Russia. I was gutted when Ukraine tried to invade it. It’s a tragedy Putin hasn’t yet occupied Kyiv.” A dig in the ribs from Nige: “We no longer support Russia, you halfwit. We are all Ukrainians now. And watch out for your laptop - the Kremlin might be hacking it as we speak.”
“Soz,” he laughs. That’s what he loves about being the Reform candidate - you learn something new every day.