In a move that will surprise absolutely no one who has ever received a gas bill, schools across Northern Ireland have been advised to tell staff and pupils to simply "wear more clothes" if they're cold, as the Education Authority (EA) scrambles to cut heating costs.

The EA has instructed schools to reduce heating and lighting "wherever possible," warning that school gas and electricity bills are set to rise by about £8m by March 2027. Because nothing says "modern education" like fingerless gloves in the classroom.

The authority has written to head teachers, noting that "recent geopolitical events are expected to have a substantial impact on energy costs across the Education Authority (EA) during the 2026/27 financial year." Those events include the US-Israel war with Iran, which is apparently now being felt in the thermostats of Craigavon.

Specifically, total school gas bills are expected to skyrocket by 60%, from £10.7m to £17m by March 2027. Electricity bills, meanwhile, will rise by a more modest but still eye-watering 5%, from £23.8m to £25.1m. So, you know, maybe just wear a hat.

"Given the scale of the anticipated cost increases, we are asking all schools to review their energy usage and identify opportunities to reduce consumption wherever possible," the EA said, presumably while Googling "how many layers can a child legally wear indoors."

Among the suggested measures: cutting heating use by an hour a day, switching off classroom lights to use natural daylight (because who needs artificial light when you have the famously sunny Northern Irish winter?), and advising staff and pupils to "wear more clothes" rather than touch the thermostat. The EA did not specify whether scarves are mandatory or merely strongly encouraged.

But principals have pointed out that it's not quite as simple as telling everyone to put on a jumper. Kirsty Logan-Hall, principal of Tullygally Primary School in Craigavon, said the school was "committed to promoting responsible energy consumption and regularly reinforce good practice with staff and pupils."

"However, our ability to achieve significant reductions in energy usage is constrained by the nature of our estate," she said. "The school operates from an older building which presents inherent energy efficiency challenges. In addition, our site is particularly spread out due to the accommodation and operational requirements associated with our specialist provision. This necessitates the heating, lighting and ongoing use of multiple areas across the site throughout the school day to ensure appropriate learning environments, accessibility and pupil welfare."

Translation: the building is old, sprawling, and full of children with additional needs who require a comfortable environment. "It is important to recognise that there is limited scope for reducing energy consumption without adversely impacting the quality of provision, staff working conditions or the wellbeing of pupils, including those with additional needs," Logan-Hall added, diplomatically not mentioning that frostbite is also bad for learning outcomes.

Meanwhile, Claire Robinson, principal of Holy Evangelists Primary School in Dunmurry, described energy costs as "ferocious." "We can't play around with the heating," she said. "Our classrooms can't drop below a certain temperature so we have to keep the heating on. We can't just turn the heating off in some areas of the school."

Robinson noted that parts of the school are relatively new and have underfloor heating, but despite its modernity, the school was given an energy efficiency rating of D due to the costs involved in running the heating system. So even the new buildings are apparently designed by people who think "thermal comfort" is a luxury, not a right.

So there you have it: Northern Ireland's schools are being asked to solve a global energy crisis by raiding the lost property box for extra jumpers. At least the kids will learn a valuable lesson in resilience - assuming they can still feel their fingers.