Conservative leader Kemi Badenoch has vowed to "put forward a serious candidate" in Clacton's by-election - but only if the current circus ends with another vote. Voters in Clacton, Essex, head to the polls on Thursday after Nigel Farage, in a move of pure selflessness, resigned his seat to trigger a by-election he plans to win.
Farage, the Reform UK leader, will be one of 34 candidates on a ballot paper that's apparently longer than a CVS receipt. Labour, the Conservatives, Liberal Democrats, and Greens are all sitting this one out, dismissing the whole affair as a stunt with no bearing on the ongoing standards investigation.
In a letter "to the people of Clacton," Badenoch wrote: "Nigel Farage has called this by-election not to help you, but to help himself." A rare moment of political clarity, really.
The investigation in question revolves around a £5m gift from cryptocurrency tycoon Christopher Harborne, which Farage received before taking his Commons seat. The parliamentary standards commissioner, Daniel Greenberg, was looking into whether the money should have been declared. But the investigation hit pause when Farage resigned, and it's likely to resume if he wins - which he's framing as a public referendum on his honesty. Because nothing says 'honest' like a self-serving plebiscite.
If found guilty of breaking the rules, and if a suspension of more than 10 days is imposed, a recall petition could be triggered, potentially ousting Farage and forcing yet another public vote. It's the gift that keeps on giving - for everyone except Clacton's electorate.
Badenoch, the North West Essex MP, wrote: "Mr Farage wants the people of Clacton to settle his problems for him. He wants to point to you and say, 'even after the £5m scandal, Clacton still chose me.' The people of Clacton are entitled to ask why someone would donate Nigel Farage that kind of money."
Farage has called the money an "unconditional gift," though he previously said it was for his security, given "with the knowledge that the state in this country has never, ever wanted to help" with his personal protection. Sure, and the check is in the mail.
Badenoch continued: "When the proper process has run its course and there is a genuine contest, we will be there. I will put forward a serious candidate who understands that representing Clacton is a job - someone who turns up, listens, holds meetings and works for the people who live here. When the real choice comes, the Conservatives will be there and I hope we can earn your support."
Meanwhile, Farage's opponents in Clacton include Count Binface, actor-turned-politician Laurence Fox, and three candidates from the Official Monster Raving Loony Party: Nick The Incredible Flying Brick, leader Alan "Howling Laud" Hope, and Baron Von Thunderclap. Because if you're going to have a farce, go all in.
Reform UK fired back: "If Kemi Badenoch and the Conservatives truly had any respect for democracy they would have stood a candidate in this by-election. The truth is that the Tories have turned their backs on the people of Clacton by refusing to put up a candidate. It's the latest in a long list of betrayals." The statement also encouraged voters to "send a resounding message to the Tories and the rest of the failing political establishment by voting for Nigel Farage and Reform next Thursday." Because nothing says 'establishment' like a party led by a man who's been an MP for five minutes.
The constituency includes Clacton-on-Sea, Frinton-on-Sea, and Walton-on-the-Naze, plus inland villages like Frating, Tendring, Wix, and Little Oakley. A full list of the 34 candidates is available for the masochistic reader.