Parents to Adult Kids: 'Sure, You Can Live With Us - It's Not Like You Can Afford Anything Else'

Mabel Lago and her husband, Tom, celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary by building a retirement home in South Carolina. They made it a bit larger than necessary - specifically to include a bedroom for their 39-year-old son. Because when you're in your 70s and your adult child still lives with you, you don't just up and move without checking first.

"We could not leave him behind, because he could not afford to live on his own," Mabel said. Her son works hard managing a liquor store, but the pay is low and there are no benefits. He also has Type 1 diabetes, and his Affordable Care Act insurance was nearly a thousand dollars a month. So he moved with them to South Carolina, where his plan is cheaper - but he hasn't found a job yet.

"The young people have really been shafted, big time, with the economy, with the cost of living," Lago said. She's not alone. Polls show a majority of Americans think it's harder for young adults today to achieve financial independence than it was for their parents. And that view has grown sharply as housing, food, and energy prices have soared and inflation remains stubbornly high.

These concerns help explain why most parents support their grown children in some way, often well beyond the traditional age of independence. The share of 25- to 34-year-olds living with parents has nearly doubled since 2005 to about 20%, according to the Urban Institute. One analysis found a third of all under-35s are living back at home, just shy of the pandemic-era peak, even though most are employed.

Lago and her husband built their 1,500-square-foot retirement home in South Carolina with an extra bedroom for their son. They also gave part of their land to their older son, 43, who has a well-paying job but couldn't buy a house on his single income. He just built one next door, with money his parents gave him from their inheritance.

Lago is happy to help, but she and her husband have to watch their spending. This year, as gas and food prices spiked, they cut back on driving and stopped eating beef. Now they're thinking not only of their own finances but also their sons'.

"Did we plan for that when we had our children 40 years ago? No," she said. "Do we plan for that now? Yes, we have to."

Some parents have always helped children - pitching in for a first home, for example. But over recent decades, as families have gotten smaller and people marry later, researchers have found more parents helping and in larger amounts.

"Young adults are kind of coming of age in a different economic landscape than their parents did," said Rachel Minkin, a researcher at the Pew Research Center. A Pew survey this year found a growing majority of Americans say it's harder today for young people to find a job, pay for college, buy a home, and save for the future. In a new survey question, 80% agreed that "it's harder for young adults today to cover basic expenses," Minkin said.

A 2024 Pew analysis found young adults are more likely to have student loan debt than three decades ago. And while the share with mortgage debt was about the same, the median amount of that debt adjusted for inflation was larger.

This changing economic landscape has fueled the rise in adult children living with parents. An AARP survey last year found 75% of parents across income levels help support adult children in some way - from paying cellphone and Wi-Fi fees to helping with transportation and rent, or giving straight cash. On average, that amounts to $7,000 a year.

"What's striking is that so many of the people we see in our survey actually were living independently for a while and then went back in with their parents, primarily because of financial pressures," said Richard Johnson, who leads a financial security policy team at AARP.

Most give because they want to, not because children need it, according to the survey. But many lower-income families said they help even though it hurts their own finances.

"When people have to divert what little resources they have to help their children, and they can't put it toward retirement, that jeopardizes their own financial futures," Johnson said.

Nate Kinzinger, a wealth manager affiliated with Northwestern Mutual, has seen this shift during his 25-year career. He's had clients delay retirement to support adult children. So many have stepped in to pay student loan debt that he now advises families to consider the "return on investment" from a given field of study. Clients also help with down payments or high rent, especially when children live in big cities where the cost of living can far exceed early-career wages. Others pay a monthly stipend.

"There's usually some degree of guilt, you know, and there's some degree of, well, the money's in my account, so I can do it," he said. Some continue regular payments even after retirement, he said, not understanding they will need that money later. "And so we'll have to have those conversations of, all right, how do we close this gap for you, cause I'm not comfortable that you could continue doing this," Kinzinger said.

This year, Northwestern Mutual found in its own survey that 42% of Americans still feel financially dependent on their parents. That included a third of Gen Xers, who are now middle-aged. "That was a bit of a shocking number," he said. The survey did not delve into the reasons why, but that cohort includes many of the parents helping struggling young adult children.

David Zucchero and his wife, Cindy, are retired near Seattle. Their daughter and her family moved back in with them so she could become a stay-at-home mother. They have children ages 31, 32, and 34. Helping them out is "just an ongoing thing for all three kids," he said, and it's "gotten worse in the last, I'd say, five to eight years."

To be clear, he's well-off, and all the children - or a spouse - make good pay. Over the years, the parents have helped with education and handed down old cars. But Seattle area home prices are double the national median. A year ago, one daughter moved back home with her husband and two young kids so she could be a stay-at-home mom. Another daughter wants to rent out her condo and move back home to cut expenses. And their son and his family? They live with his wife's parents.

"When I look at the salaries these kids make, I'm like, 'how can you not live on this?'" Zucchero said. "But they can't."

At least not comfortably, he added, admitting that he and his wife are guilty of coddling them. His best friend chides him about it. But everyone else seems to be in the same boat. "One or two of the kids are living at home," he said. "Neighbors, same thing, one right behind us. The kid's been living there probably 10 years, he's in his 40s."

For now, he and his wife are not charging rent or setting deadlines for anyone to move out. The truth is, they love having the children and grandkids around.