Australia's betting behemoths Sportsbet and Tabcorp have issued a collective 'not us, guv' in response to allegations that their account managers sourced drugs and sex workers to keep high-rolling clients gambling. The claims, which surfaced at a parliamentary inquiry into Labor's proposed gambling ad crackdown, suggest that some problem gamblers were treated to cocaine, alcohol, and escorts - presumably as part of a 'loyalty program' no one asked for.

Anti-gambling campaigners Tim Costello and Luke Bateman testified that vulnerable customers were plied with illicit substances and sex workers, with companies allegedly showing zero duty of care. Bateman, now a TikTok star and book influencer (because where else do you go after exposing industry misconduct?), recounted a private Gold Coast event where senior gambling figures partook in illicit drugs with clients. Costello added he was assisting a gambling addict who, while preparing to plead guilty to stealing millions, was offered drugs, escorts, and free accommodation - a sort of 'risk-taking rewards package.'

Sportsbet's corporate affairs director, Jules Norton Selzer, told the inquiry on Tuesday that the company has 'zero evidence of the allegations' and 'no tolerance for that kind of deplorable conduct.' He added, 'No information has been provided to us beyond what was referenced yesterday, and we will gladly investigate it.' Because nothing says 'we take this seriously' like waiting for someone to hand you a dossier.

Tabcorp's head of government affairs, Julian Whealing, insisted that providing illicit drugs, sex workers, and alcohol is not 'part of Tabcorp's customer offering.' He emphasized, 'Tabcorp has zero tolerance for this behavior, we are Australia's most regulated wagering company.' With about 800,000 active customers, of which 400 are VIPs, and around 20 VIP account managers - similar numbers at Sportsbet - one wonders if these managers were offering 'enhanced customer experiences' beyond the usual free bets.

Independent senator David Pocock also queried Responsible Wagering Australia about a Bet365 promotion where children as young as 12 were dressed in company branding for a running race. CEO Kai Cantwell admitted the industry 'may have got things wrong' and is 'on thin ice,' noting they've been 'acting over the past five years.' That's reassuring - like a smoker who's been 'thinking about quitting' since 2019.

Acting prime minister Richard Marles called the evidence 'quite shocking' and 'an appalling story,' promising 'the toughest set of reforms in respect of gambling and gambling advertising that we have seen.' Deputy Liberal leader Jane Hume labeled the allegations 'disturbing' and stressed the importance of 'looking after Australia's most vulnerable,' which is rich coming from a party that has historically been cozy with the industry. But hey, election year.

So, while the inquiry continues to unravel the seedy underbelly of Australia's betting industry, the giants maintain their innocence. After all, what self-respecting corporation would admit to plying problem gamblers with cocaine and hookers? That's just bad PR.