Australia is rolling out H5 bird flu vaccinations for its captive native bird species, because as we all know, the only thing harder than catching a wild bird once is catching it twice. Federal agriculture minister Julie Collins announced Tuesday that priority species in captivity will get their shots 'in the coming days and weeks,' with state governments managing the program and deciding which feathered friends make the cut.

Collins was refreshingly honest about the limits of the plan: 'We cannot stop the H5 bird flu from spreading among wild birds, but we can take action to protect the species most at risk.' She also warned Australians to brace for 'more spread and larger numbers - particularly of dead birds and mass mortalities around the country.' So, enjoy the great outdoors, folks.

The vaccination drive targets endangered species in conservation breeding programs, like the orange-bellied parrot, regent honeyeater, and Western Australia's black cockatoos. Environment minister Murray Watt explained the logistical nightmare: 'It does take two vaccination doses to vaccinate birds, and it is difficult enough to catch wild birds once, let alone twice.' But where possible, they'll vaccinate wild birds too - presumably using a very long net.

Chief veterinary officer Beth Cookson noted the rollouts follow 18 months of safety and efficacy trials, but conveniently didn't specify which species or facilities participated. Because the vaccines were originally developed for poultry, the government needed to ensure they don't accidentally turn a cockatoo into a chicken nugget. 'Birds come in all different sizes, and the vaccines that we’ve got are made for poultry,' she said, adding that they'll prioritize species with sufficient safety data.

In related news, the federal government is shifting from daily case updates to focusing on 'major events' like mass mortalities - because who needs daily anxiety when you can have weekly dread? The first mass mortalities hit South Australia and Victoria last week, including silver gulls, and South Australia reported a peregrine falcon among 33 new suspect cases. The Murray-Darling region saw its first cases in SA and NSW.

Professor John Woinarski of Charles Darwin University welcomed the captive vaccination plan but urged more work for mammals at risk, suggesting trials with seals and sea lions that come ashore - because apparently, we're now vaccinating marine life too. He also called for transparency on which species will be vaccinated and whether there are adverse reactions. And he pointed out that less mobile wild bird populations, like Phillip Island's little penguins, could be vaccinated without needing a PhD in bird catching.

Cookson admitted there are 'no commercially available vaccines suitable for mammals' but said the government is working with other countries on trials, including the US. So, stay tuned for the next chapter of 'Australia vs. The Bird Flu,' where the stakes are high, the nets are long, and the penguins are watching.