British American Tobacco to Cut 9,000 Jobs, Pivots to Vapes Because Lung Cancer Is So Last Century

British American Tobacco (BAT), the purveyor of fine carcinogens known as Lucky Strike and Dunhill, is slashing nearly a fifth of its global workforce - 5,500 roles cut directly and 3,500 outsourced - in a bid to become "more digital and AI-focused." Because nothing says cutting-edge technology like a company that spent decades perfecting nicotine delivery systems.

The 47,000-employee giant expects the cost-cutting to save about £600 million a year by 2028. Traditional cigarette sales are, shockingly, declining as smokers increasingly switch to vapes and nicotine pouches - a trend BAT is trying to ride with its Vuse vapes and Velo pouches, though sales and profit margins have been sluggish.

In the US, its biggest market, sales have been hit by cost-of-living pressures as smokers downgrade to cheaper brands. Meanwhile, American regulators are taking a tough stance on approving new vape products, which BAT claims has fueled an influx of illegal Chinese products - because nothing says "free market" like blaming your own sluggish sales on bootleg vapes from across the Pacific.

The cuts, already underway, are set to be completed by year-end. CEO Tadeu Marroco says they'll make the company "more agile, cost disciplined, and technology enabled." Translation: fewer people, more vaping, and a lot of people updating their résumés.