Xabi Alonso, fresh off his first game as Chelsea manager - a 6-4 pre-season victory against Western Sydney Wanderers that was somehow both chaotic and meaningless - has declined to confirm whether the club is actually pursuing veterans Danny Welbeck (35) and Jordan Henderson (36). "I'm sure that from today to the last day of the transfer window there will be a lot of links, a lot of rumours," Alonso said, with the weary tone of a man who has already been asked about this 47 times. "But for sure, we need proper balance."

Chelsea, apparently pivoting from their usual strategy of signing every teenager on the planet and locking them into 15-year contracts, are reportedly in talks to sign Welbeck from Brighton and Henderson from Brentford. Because nothing says "proper balance" like two players whose combined age is 71 and whose combined pace is "slightly faster than a glacier." Alonso, however, is keeping his cards close to his chest: "To be commenting on all of them, it's going to be a hard task."

The match itself was a rollercoaster that no one asked for. Chelsea fielded a youthful side featuring Liam Delap and Tosin Adarabioyo as the elder statesmen, and things went about as well as you'd expect when you play a bunch of kids against a team that finished bottom of the A-League last season. The Wanderers took the lead three separate times, because apparently Chelsea decided to make it interesting. Then Alonso brought on the big guns in the 63rd minute, including Cole Palmer and João Pedro, who promptly scored a hat-trick in nine minutes. Because of course he did.

João Pedro, who scored 20 goals for Chelsea last season after arriving from Brighton for £60m, is reportedly "very hungry" for the upcoming campaign. "He wants to keep scoring more and more," Alonso said. Meanwhile, 17-year-old Kazakh triallist Dastan Satpayev opened the scoring after six minutes, because why not? He hasn't even officially signed for the club yet, but he's already out there smashing balls home from defence-splitting passes by another teenager, Ryan Kavuma-McQueen.

The back four, however, looked like they'd never met before, which is entirely possible. Their new set-piece coach, Austin MacPhee from Aston Villa, will have plenty to work on after Brandon Borrello and Anthony Pantazopoulos won headers from a corner with the ease of adults playing against children. The Wanderers scored again through Aydan Hammond, then Dário Essugo made it 2-2, then Landon Emenalo's clearance deflected to Dylan Scicluna for 3-2, then João Pedro pulled one back for Jamie Gittens, then Estêvão Willian lost possession and Awan Lual slid the ball through Robert Sánchez's legs for 4-3, and then João Pedro scored twice in five minutes before scrambling home from a corner to finish 6-4. It was like a tennis match, if tennis were played by people who forgot how to defend.

As for Liam Delap, who's been repeatedly linked with a move away, he had another frustrating evening, going close twice but failing to score. Alonso, ever the diplomat, said Delap is "in a good mood" and "doing great," which is manager-speak for "we're trying to sell him, please don't mention his finishing."