In a move that will surely streamline bureaucracy and save money (or at least that's the hope), First Minister John Swinney is set to announce plans to reduce the number of territorial health boards in Scotland from 14 to just 2. The BBC understands that the 11 boards serving mainland Scotland will be merged into two super-boards: one for the west, one for the east. Because who needs local accountability when you can have regional mega-quangos?

But wait, there's more! The island groups of Shetland, Orkney, and the Western Isles are getting their own special treatment. Instead of merging with each other, each island group's health board will be combined with its local council to create a unitary authority that handles everything from health to bin collections. Because nothing says 'joined-up government' like putting the people who empty your bins in charge of your GP appointments.

These changes, expected to be outlined in Swinney's programme for government statement at Holyrood at 15:00, are part of a broader public sector reform aimed at saving money, cutting bureaucracy, and improving service delivery. Swinney, who has already appointed a new cabinet minister for public service reform, declared it's time to 'embrace change'. Because change is always embraced when it's imposed from above.

Under the reforms, the 11 mainland boards will be cut to two, but the national boards that run the Scottish ambulance service and provide procurement support will remain untouched. So, at least the ambulances will still be able to find their way to the right board.

Swinney also touched on other priorities: growing the economy, eradicating child poverty, transitioning to net zero, and tackling 'the epidemic of violence against women and girls'. He was 'appalled' by the number of cases over the summer and promised 'the strongest possible personal leadership' to address it, including changing the behaviour of men and boys. Because that's been working so far.

On the cost of living, Swinney defended his proposal for a price cap on some food and drink items in large supermarkets, despite 23 organisations - including retail, food and drink, manufacturing, and distribution groups - urging him to scrap the 'ineffective' plan. Swinney said he wants to 'do something practical' about the price of shopping, and that the government will consult to make sure the legislation works. Because nothing says 'practical' like a price cap that everyone in the industry says won't work.

He also reaffirmed the SNP's record of balancing the budget 'on every occasion' and promised to continue doing so. Because fiscal prudence is the hallmark of a government that's about to merge 11 health boards into 2.

Final decisions will only be made after consultation, so there's still time for the public to weigh in on whether they want their health services run by a west-east divide or a bin-collection alliance.