A reader writes in with a familial crisis that is equal parts tragic and absurd: their 70-something mother is so deep into Tetris, solitaire, and slot-machine games that she might as well be a ghost haunting the family living room. The addiction began in the 1990s with a desktop computer, migrated to a laptop, and now lives permanently on her smartphone, where she plays even while being spoken to. The reader and their sisters once joked about it, but after their father died four years ago, the gaming has escalated to the point where Mum spends hours on multiple devices simultaneously, emotionally unavailable and refusing to discuss grief or seek support.
Psychotherapist Rebecca Harris, who manages the National Centre for Gaming Disorders, confirms that this is a known phenomenon among older adults. She posits that addictions often start as coping strategies - a way to manage something that then spirals out of control. The big question, she says, is whether Mum was emotionally unavailable before the computer arrived in the 1990s. Harris advises approaching the conversation with compassion, noting that the gaming is serving a function for Mum, so she may be defensive. The trick, perhaps, is to reframe the issue: instead of attacking the gaming, try to find activities where the phone isn't viable - like going out and doing something together.
Harris also offers a litmus test: would Mum stop the behaviour if a better offer came along? If not, it may be a genuine addiction. But the reader should also consider whether removing the games entirely might backfire - if the underlying feelings aren't dealt with, Mum might just find another way to numb herself. The National Centre for Gaming Disorders is available for support, along with gambling helplines in the UK, US, and Australia. In the end, the reader might be less worried about Mum's future haunting than about their own regret if they don't address this now. Which, honestly, is a very reasonable fear.