U.S. employers added a measly 57,000 jobs in June, about half of what they managed in May, proving that even the job market can have a summer slump. The unemployment rate technically fell to 4.2%, but only because over 700,000 people threw up their hands and stopped looking for work - which is like saying your diet is working because you stopped stepping on the scale.

Restaurants, retailers, and manufacturers all cut back on hiring, and even healthcare - the reliable workhorse of employment gains - took a coffee break. To add insult to injury, the Labor Department revised April and May numbers downward by a combined 74,000 jobs, meaning those jobs we thought existed were just a collective hallucination.

Glassdoor chief economist Daniel Zhao summed it up: "We aren't necessarily seeing a sharp deterioration that would raise alarm bells, but we're also stuck a little bit." In other words, the labor market is treading water - not drowning, but definitely not doing laps.

More than 27% of the unemployed have been jobless for over six months, and prime-age workers are dropping out, not just retirees. The silver lining? Unemployment for 20-to-24-year-olds dipped slightly to 7.1%, which is still nearly double the national average, but hey, baby steps.

Wages rose 3.5% from a year ago, but inflation - fueled by the war with Iran - is eating that raise like a hungry bear. Fed Chair Kevin Warsh vows to tame prices, possibly with rate hikes, but investors bet the weak jobs report means no rate hike this month. The Dow jumped nearly 600 points, because nothing says "American economy" like bad news for workers being great news for stocks.