In a plot twist that nobody saw coming (except, presumably, the woman involved), Democratic Unionist Party MP Jim Shannon has been charged with common assault of a woman. The alleged incident took place on 1 October 2023, which is a date that will now live in infamy for at least one politician.

Shannon, 71, who lists his address as the DUP offices on Frances Street in Newtownards, was notably absent from Newtownards Magistrates' Court on Monday. His solicitors, in a statement that screams 'we're not backing down', said the case is being 'factually contested'.

Defence counsel Conan Rea informed the court that Shannon has lodged a defence statement. Meanwhile, the Public Prosecution Service is looking to amend dates on their paperwork, which the defence will be objecting to, because apparently the paperwork wasn't exciting enough. Rea told Deputy District Judge Trevor Browne that the defence have lodged a skeleton argument detailing their objections. Because nothing says 'legal drama' like a skeleton argument.

The judge, presumably thrilled at the prospect of more legal wrangling, adjourned the case to 1 September. That gives everyone involved plenty of time to sharpen their quills and prepare for round two.

Shannon's political career is as long as a parliamentary recess: elected to the Northern Ireland Assembly in 1998, re-elected in 2003 and 2007, and then in 2010 he waltzed into the House of Commons as MP for Strangford, a position he still holds. Because why leave when you can stay?

DUP leader Gavin Robinson, in a statement that redefines 'keeping it in the family', described the matter as a 'private dispute' within Shannon's family. The party, he said, had begun internal proceedings but suspended them when the courts got involved. Because nothing says 'we're on top of this' like waiting for the legal system to do the heavy lifting.

Robinson, the East Belfast MP, said the party would 'await the outcome' of the case before making any further decisions. So, in other words, they'll be watching from the sidelines, popcorn in hand, until the verdict is in.