In a stunning display of fiscal responsibility, the British government has announced that taxpayers will be footing the bill to clear up illegal dumps in West Yorkshire, Surrey and Kent. Andy Burnham, the prime minister, made the announcement with the gravitas of someone who just found a used syringe in their child's sandpit, promising a new drive to tackle the nation's toxic waste problem.
The chosen sites - Bradford, Runnymede and the Isle of Sheppey - collectively hold about 22,000 tonnes of illegal waste, which is roughly the weight of 3,000 elephants, or one very heavy Tuesday. These will be cleared in the next phase of the government's national clear-up effort, which is presumably the sequel to the first phase that achieved so much.
To ensure this never happens again (fingers crossed), fines for rogue dumpers will be raised from a paltry £300 to a slightly less paltry £5,000. And in a move that screams 'we're modern now', AI-powered drones will be deployed to catch illegal dumping in the act. Because nothing says 'we care about the environment' like a fleet of robotic birds of prey.
Burnham, with the solemnity of a man who has seen too many rubbish heaps, declared: 'These toxic dumps have blighted communities for too long. I said we would clean them up - and that’s exactly what we’re announcing today.' He added, with a hint of political desperation, 'These mountains of rubbish have been a clear sign to communities that politics hasn’t been working for them or their area. This government is going to tackle the issues that have been ignored by Westminster for too long and bring back hope.'
Hundreds of illegal waste sites have been reported across England, with a BBC investigation uncovering 11 'supersites' each containing more than 20,000 tonnes of rubbish. One of the most notorious is in Burnham's own constituency of Makerfield, where a rotting, rat-infested mountain has been festering for over 20 months. The site was earmarked for clean-up in March, but locals report that the only thing improving is the rat population's morale.
During the byelection campaign, which Burnham won earlier this year, voters told the Guardian they'd vote for him specifically to get rid of that one site. So, you know, no pressure.
The Environment Agency has been busy, making 42 site visits, suspending or revoking 17 permits, and launching more than 30 criminal investigations. In February, Varun Datta, a waste crime ringleader, was ordered to pay £1.4m after being convicted for organised illegal dumping at 16 sites, including a historic manor house and a nature reserve in Lancashire. Because nothing says 'classy crime' like dumping rubbish on a manor house lawn.
Downing Street says the three new sites were chosen due to their scale, risk to nearby communities, environmental damage, and links to organised crime. The new prevention push will rely on 33 AI-powered drones fitted with light detection and ranging technology (LIDAR), which can create highly detailed maps of illegal waste sites. Because if there's one thing illegal dumpers fear, it's a very precise map.
Burnham also wants police and the National Crime Agency to play a bigger role, and he's calling on mayors and council leaders in West Yorkshire and Greater Manchester to coordinate councils, police, regulators, and other enforcement agencies to ramp up crime prevention. Because when you think 'crime-fighting', you think 'council coordination'. The government is also increasing fines for illegal dumping or improper waste treatment from £300 to £5,000, with tougher sanctions like imprisonment already available for more serious offences. So, if you were planning on dumping a sofa in a ditch, you might want to reconsider - or at least invest in a drone jammer.