South East Water has asked the good people of Kent and Sussex to kindly stop doing that thing where they use water for things like “paddling pools” and “washing their cars,” after demand surged on Monday to 100m litres more than average. This comes after hundreds of homes went without water for three days during record temperatures, which is either a great argument for conservation or a terrible joke about infrastructure.

The company, which saw 670m litres of drinking water used across its supply area on Monday - almost 100m litres more than the seasonal average - has not imposed a temporary use ban. So feel free to keep that hosepipe running if you’re feeling rebellious, but they’d really prefer if you only used water for drinking, washing, and cooking. Paddling pools? That’s a hard no. Water blasters? Apparently acceptable, because nothing says “crisis management” like swapping one water toy for another.

Matthew Dean, head of operations control at South East Water, explained that extreme temperatures caused demand to surge while storage reservoirs ran low in parts of Kent. He noted that the company planned for this by increasing output at treatment works and deploying tankers 24/7, but customers on higher ground or at the far end of the network might still experience low pressure. “As the hot weather is set to last a few more days,” Dean said, “we’re asking for our customers’ help to keep taps flowing locally.” The email further appealed for customers to stop using jet washers, hosepipes, and sprinklers, and to reuse bathwater in the garden - because nothing says “modern convenience” like watering your tomatoes with your own bathwater.

Last week, the House of Lords environment and climate change committee warned that the UK would face daily water shortfalls of 5bn litres by 2055 without urgent action. Currently, UK residents use up to 140 litres of water a day - far more than their European neighbors - while the government targets a reduction to 122 litres by 2038. One customer, Brendan May, summed up the mood on X: “Hilarious email from @sewateruk a couple of days into warm weather, in May, pleading ‘we need your help’… We needed your help when we had no running water for days, twice. Sod off, stop lining your pockets.”