A new study of family dynamics (and by 'study' we mean every Mumsnet thread ever) has confirmed that parents do, in fact, have favourites when it comes to money - and the rest of the kids are not thrilled about it.
Take John, 47 (name changed to protect him from his parents' next refusal), who asked his folks for a £10,000 loan toward a house deposit after a breakup. Their response? A firm 'no', despite the cash being 'well within their financial grasp'. Meanwhile, his younger brother, 42, has apparently been on the parental gravy train for years, receiving a deposit for a home and subsidised living expenses.
John, who was branded the 'academic one' and expected to stand on his 'own two feet', now feels that 'the needs of others take precedence over my own'. This has left him 'isolated' and has, he claims, messed with his friendships and romantic relationships. Because nothing says 'romance' like unresolved parental favouritism.
Dr Fenia Christodoulidi from Relate, a counselling service, notes that money rows between siblings are rarely about the money itself. 'Financial support from parents often carries a powerful emotional meaning,' she says, adding that differences in support can be read as 'signs of favouritism, unequal love or a lack of recognition'. Parents might have 'practical reasons' for unequal support - like one kid earning less or being ill - but if they don't communicate that, it's a recipe for resentment.
Ellis, a London finance worker, says she and her siblings have had 'different levels of support at different times' and it's never been an issue. Her colleague Tasha, 33, the youngest of seven, says her siblings have fallen out over perceived favouritism, though she reckons her parents treat them all the same. 'Sometimes people stop talking for a bit or go to process what they are feeling, and they come back together and they just hash it out.' How very mature.
John, however, says money talk is 'verboten' in his family. 'Any time I've tried to air my feelings my parents just become evasive so now I don't bother.' He's now planning his financial future assuming zero inheritance - but fully expects to be called in when his parents get ill or lose capacity. Ah, the classic 'we'll need you then' dynamic.
Claire Webb, a solicitor and mediator at Family Solutions Now, regularly deals with siblings fighting over inheritances. 'One sibling might argue the other was given more money earlier on in life, say, to buy a house, and that the parents said this would be reflected in the will. Then the will says, everything should be shared equally. So you have all of that historic feeling of unfairness being dredged up.' To avoid this, she advises parents to be clear about their intentions while alive, and suggests mediation before legal action. The good news? Siblings who go the legal route often reconcile. 'Most of the time there is a deep-down family bond - and if you can crack what started the problem they often find a way through.'
In the spirit of helpfulness, here are seven tips to avoid becoming the next family drama: 1) Recognise what's behind the row - it's probably about feeling valued, not the cash. 2) Don't assume you know your sibling's finances or your parents' motives. 3) Have open, respectful conversations where everyone can explain their feelings. 4) Parents, communicate your intentions clearly, especially if you're playing favourites for practical reasons. 5) Consider family counselling if talks keep derailing. 6) Try mediation before suing over the inheritance. 7) Choose powers of attorney carefully - if your kids are liable to brawl, appoint a solicitor instead.