Newcastle United hosted Everton on Monday night in a Premier League fixture that promised - and delivered - exactly the kind of turgid, low-stakes affair you'd expect from 12th versus 14th. The Last Post was played, a moment of silence observed, and then everyone got down to the serious business of not creating many chances.
The big news for Newcastle: Anthony Elanga returned to the starting XI for the first time since "diddling his hamstring" at Millwall nearly two months ago, and Will Osula was fit enough to start. Jacob Ramsey and Jacob Murphy dropped to the bench. Newcastle lined up 4-2-3-1: Hornicek; Dedic, Schar, Burn, Hall; Joelinton, Gonzalez; Elanga, Willock, Barnes; Osula. Subs: Pope, Botman, Bamba, Wissa, Thiaw, Steur, Toure, Murphy, Ramsey.
Everton made two changes of their own. Jarrad Branthwaite returned after two games missed following concussion protocol, as did Harrison Armstrong. Hayden Hackney and Tyler Dibling dropped out, with Merlin Rohl moving from right-back to right-wing and Jake O'Brien shifting from centre-back to right-back. Everton's XI: Pickford; O'Brien, Tarkowski, Branthwaite, Mykolenko; Garner, Armstrong, Dewsbury-Hall; Rohl, Barry, George. Subs: Travers, Maitland-Niles, Dibling, Keane, Johnson, Norgaard, Alcaraz, Hackney, Graham.
Thierno Barry, meanwhile, has undergone a quiet transformation. Signed from Villarreal, he struggled initially - subbed off 18 times in 21 league starts, beginning another 17 on the bench, and scoring a paltry eight goals. Everton tried to sign Folarin Balogun from Monaco to play ahead of him, but that deal broke down on deadline day, and a desperate contingency move for Joshua Zirkzee collapsed when he stayed at Manchester United. With Beto sold, Barry went from second-choice to only choice. Freed from the pressure of being subbed or subbed off, no longer dealing with a newborn or a shoulder problem that hampered his debut campaign, he has seven goals in 11 appearances and scored on the opening weekend and last Thursday when Everton binned Newcastle from the League Cup - a contest featuring an affirming ruckus close to full-time. Only bottom-placed Sunderland have managed fewer than Everton's eight league goals.
Newcastle, for their part, hoped to avoid a third Monday-night clattering of the season, having already been beaten 4-1 at Leeds and Coventry. There have been good signs under Matthias Jaissle but also some absolute dross, with a lack of physicality particularly glaring given it was until recently a strong point. Last weekend's win at Palace earned respite, and Osula - given a start and scoring - looked ready, until he got injured again. Only two clubs have created fewer than Newcastle's 14 big chances, and Jaissle has been unwilling to use the young attackers signed in the summer for anything other than late cameos.
Jaissle told Sky that Elanga is improving physically and deserves to start, wanting him and Osula to show their potential and cause defences problems with their speed. He emphasised his team must be ruthless in both boxes. Moyes said Rohl and O'Brien are adaptable, so moving them isn't a problem, and that every team knows every other team, so he expects no surprises. Everton won't be afraid to go long, with Barry contesting aerial balls and Rohl, Dewsbury-Hall and George looking to get in and around him. George will run at Newcastle's defenders, Dewsbury-Hall will prompt around the box and make third-man runs, and Barry will look to run off centre-backs who lack the pace to keep up.
Newcastle will likely defend deep - partly due to a lack of pace at the back, partly to create space to counter. Elanga is brilliant on the break, Barnes can run, and Willock has an eye for goal. Gonzalez will control play, Joelinton will look to win high turnovers and get after Garner, and the full-backs will push forward so the wingers can attack the box with crosses and cut-backs directed at Osula.
Reader Chris Paraskevas observed that we now seem to be entering the era of post-PiF takeover where Will Osula is officially considered crucial to "survival" - or at least lower-mid-table hopes - a reflection either of hidden talent or a disastrous transfer window under the David Hopkinson + MJ + Ross Wilson + PiF Rockstar Supergroup. He also noted the Curse of the Waltz: any time Mary Waltz manages a comment, Everton beat Newcastle. At least, he added, the second-choice striker is fit and scoring (Dan Burn).
Mary Waltz herself emailed from California, noting the day before America hopefully begins to end the Trump delusion half of its citizens have been under, and lamenting Everton's inability to catch a break. She understood suspending Grealish but noted the lack of depth to replace his ability to generate attacking chances. She looked forward to seeing Tyrique George in his stead and hoped Dibling gets a go, observing that those lads are Everton's future, not Grealish.
Matt Burtz sighed that the note about not expecting a goalfest didn't tell the half of it. In 15 years of watching Everton, he's learned to expect defensive solidity alongside a distinct lack of attacking prowess. The last time Everton scored 50+ league goals was 2018-19. They managed 62 in 2016-17 - Romelu Lukaku's last season at Goodison, when he scored 25. The last time they scored 70? Their last league title, 1986-87, over 42 games. They were also relegated in 1929-30 despite scoring 80 because they allowed 92, so maybe free-flowing football isn't always the answer. Since the Dogs of War days in the mid-90s, Everton have been dogged rather than inspired - a long time since the School of Science or the fun of the 1984-85 champions.
All of which is to say this match, 12th v 14th, was unlikely to deliver a goalfest elevated by flowing football. But happily, different people are motivated by different stimuli, and it's not possible to appreciate English football without enjoying aggression, intensity, needle and incompetence - of which there was, without doubt, plenty to enjoy.