Kieren Perkins, former gold-medal swimmer and Australia's most senior sport executive, has issued a stark warning to the International Olympic Committee: modernize the Brisbane 2032 program or risk the Games becoming as relevant as a fax machine. Speaking at the SportNXT conference in Melbourne, Perkins, who now heads the Australian Sports Commission, argued that some current Olympic sports "have no modern relevance whatsoever."

"If that program doesn't look different, then yes, we should start to worry," Perkins said, adding that while some traditional sports are beloved, they're about as modern as dial-up internet. He declined to name names, presumably to avoid a stampede of furious pentathletes and equestrians - sports that, despite their passionate communities and storied histories, can't exactly compete with athletics and swimming for viewership.

Meanwhile, the IOC is trying to reverse the trend of ballooning sports rosters: Sydney 2000 had 28 sports, while Los Angeles 2028 is set to feature 36, including multiple disciplines like road and track cycling that each demand their own venues. The re-inclusion of cricket, baseball, softball, and lacrosse for LA 2028 has only intensified the jockeying for a spot in Brisbane. Cricket Australia chair Mike Baird has even proposed that the Olympic final in 2032 be the last game at the Gabba, presumably to go out with a bang. A Cricket Australia spokesperson championed the sport's inclusion as a "landmark moment," while Anna Carroll, CEO of Lacrosse Australia, insisted the sport has "strong modern relevance" - because nothing says 21st century like a sport invented by North American First Nations people in the 17th century.

Netball, eager to join the party, commissioned polling that found two-thirds of Australians support its inclusion in 2032 - a statistic that likely has officials sweating over the logistics. Rowing Australia's Sarah Cook argued that rowing is "woven" into the country's Olympic fabric and continues to evolve with additions like beach sprints, because nothing says evolution like dragging a boat across sand. She added that rowing's "rich history, global reach, and ability to produce compelling sporting moments" are what make the Games special - which is precisely what every sport says right before they're unceremoniously dropped.

The IOC's June session introduced a new methodology for determining the Olympic program, focusing on individual disciplines rather than whole sports. Local organizing committees can propose up to four extra disciplines, each assessed on global appeal, cost, operational complexity, and athlete representation in governance. Brisbane 2032, already deep in preparations, will see this applied with flexibility, and the program is expected to be finalized within the next year - presumably after much lobbying, backroom deals, and tearful farewells.

A Brisbane 2032 spokesperson said the committee is "focused on designing a sports program that reflects the values of the Olympic and Paralympic movements" - which, translated, means they're trying to keep everyone happy without bankrupting the city. Meanwhile, Nicki Nicol, CEO of the New Zealand Olympic Committee, urged the Games to "keep evolving and evolve quickly," pointing to the "right-sized" Glasgow Commonwealth Games as a model. She acknowledged that traditional sports need to understand their future pathways and influence change, because "we've got to make sure we're still relevant to fans" - a sentiment that apparently hasn't reached modern pentathlon yet, which has taken the radical step of swapping equestrian for obstacle courses, perhaps in a bid to attract the Ninja Warrior demographic. Breaking, the controversial addition to Paris 2024, was not retained for LA, proving that even the IOC has limits when it comes to trendy dance-offs.