The Champions League league phase draw happened in Monte Carlo, and honestly, it was less of a draw and more of a 'please don't make us travel to Bodo/Glimt' lottery. The big headline: Arsenal will host Real Madrid, while Manchester City face PSG and Barcelona. Because why not make the group stage feel like a final, right?
Manchester United, bless their travel agents, got a relatively gentle itinerary: Madrid, Como, Lisbon, and Villarreal. No long-haul flights to Norway or Azerbaijan for them. Aston Villa, however, drew the short straw with a trip to Istanbul, the longest journey any Premier League side has to endure. The horror.
Two Premier League teams will host Azerbaijan's Sabah, a club founded in 2017. Their coach, Valdas Dambrauskas, has a backstory that sounds like a fever dream: he funded his coaching education in England with winnings from 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?' in Lithuania. So yes, a quiz show champion is now plotting how to stop Arsenal. Life comes at you fast.
Other highlights: Kevin De Bruyne could return to the Etihad with Napoli, and Cesc Fàbregas's Como will host Manchester United. Sabah's draw is absolutely brutal: Barcelona, Arsenal, Dortmund, Man Utd, Napoli. They might want to spend that quiz money on a bigger squad.
Here's the full slate for the Premier League quintet, because we know you're here for the fixtures, not the pageantry:
Manchester City: PSG (h), Barcelona (a), Sporting (h), Porto (a), Napoli (h), Leipzig (a), AEK (h), Lens (a).
Liverpool: Atletico Madrid (h), Inter (a), Porto (h), Club Brugge (a), Villarreal (h), Fenerbahce (a), Lens (h), Lask (a).
Arsenal: Real Madrid (h), Bayern Munich (a), Borussia Dortmund (h), Real Betis (a), Lille (h), Napoli (a), Sabah (h), Slavia Prague (a). That's a 'tough end of the spectrum' if we've ever seen one.
Aston Villa: PSG (h), Barcelona (a), Dortmund (h), Club Brugge (a), Fenerbahce (h), Galatasaray (a), Viking (h), Slavia Prague (a).
Manchester United: Bayern (h), Atletico (a), Roma (h), Sporting (a), Leipzig (h), Villarreal (a), Sabah (h), Como (a).
And for the rest of the 36-team circus, here are the other notable draws:
Viking: Bayern, Atleti, PSV, Aston Villa, Feyenoord, Napoli, Sabah, Stuttgart.
AEK Athens: Real, Man City, Roma, Dortmund, Galatasaray, Shakhtar, Lask, Como.
Bratislava: Inter, PSG, Betis, Roma, Shakhtar, Lille, Stuttgart, Lask.
Stuttgart: Atletico, Inter, Brugge, PSV, Lille, Galatasaray, Viking, Bratislava.
Como: PSG, Barcelona, Man Utd, Real Betis, Leipzig, Feyenoord, AEK Athens, Lens.
Lask: Liverpool, Real Madrid, Porto, Sporting, Fenerbahce, Bodo/Glimt, Bratislava, AEK Athens.
Lens: Man City, Liverpool, Sporting, Brugge, Bodo/Glimt, Leipzig, Como, Slavia Prague.
Slavia Prague: Arsenal, Bayern, Aston Villa, Porto, Villarreal, Fenerbahce, Lens, Sabah.
Sabah: Barcelona, Arsenal, Dortmund, Man Utd, Napoli, Villarreal, Slavia Prague, Viking.
Napoli: Arsenal, Man City, Brugge, Porto, Bodo/Glimt, Villarreal, Viking, Sabah.
Lille: Bayern, Arsenal, Betis, Roma, Galatasaray, Bodo/Glimt, Bratislava, Stuttgart.
Fenerbahce: Liverpool, Atletico, Roma, Aston Villa, Villarreal, Shakhtar, Slavia Prague, Lask.
Feyenoord: Inter, Barcelona, Porto, Real Betis, Leipzig, Galatasaray, Como, Viking.
Galatasaray: Barcelona, PSG, Aston Villa, Sporting, Feyenoord, Lille, Stuttgart, AEK Athens.
Bodø/Glimt: Atlético, Bayern, Dortmund, Brugge, Lille, Napoli, Lask, Lens.
RB Leipzig: Man City, Real Madrid, PSV, Man Utd, Shakhtar, Feyenoord, Lens, Como.
Shakhtar Donetsk: Real Madrid, Inter, Sporting, PSV, Fenerbahce, Leipzig, AEK Athens, Bratislava.
Villarreal: PSG, Liverpool, Man Utd, Dortmund, Napoli, Fenerbahce, Sabah, Slavia Prague.
Sporting: Barcelona, Man City, Man Utd, Roma, Galatasaray, Shakhtar, Lask, Lens.
PSV: Atlético, Real Madrid, Brugge, Porto, Shakhtar, Leipzig, Stuttgart, Viking.
Roma: Real Madrid, PSG, Sporting, Man Utd, Lille, Fenerbahce, Bratislava, AEK.
Real Betis: Arsenal (h), Bayern (a), Porto, Dortmund, Feyenoord, Lille, Como, Bratislava.
Porto: Man City (h), Liverpool (a), PSV, Betis, Napoli, Feyenoord, Slavia Prague, Lask.
Borussia Dortmund: Inter (h), Arsenal (a), Real Betis, Aston Villa, Villarreal, Bodo/Glimt, AEK, Sabah.
Club Brugge: Liverpool (h), Inter (a), Aston Villa (h), PSV (a), Bodo/Glimt (h), Napoli (a), Lens (h), Stuttgart (a).
Bayern: Arsenal (h), Atletico (a), Betis (h), Man Utd (a), Bodo/Glimt (h), Lille (a), Slavia Prague (h), Viking (a). Old Trafford, here they come.
Arsenal's full eight: Real Madrid (h), Bayern (a), Dortmund (h), Betis (a), Lille (h), Napoli (a), Sabah (h), Slavia Prague (a).
Liverpool: Atleti (h), Inter (a), Porto (h), Brugge (a), Villarreal (h), Fenerbahce (a), Lens (h), Lask (a).
PSG: Barcelona (h), Man City (a), Roma (h), Aston Villa (a), Galatasaray (h), Villarreal (a), Bratislava (h), Como (a).
Atlético Madrid: Bayern (h), Liverpool (a), Man Utd (h), PSV (a), Fenerbahce (h), Bodo/Glimt (a), Viking (h), Stuttgart (a).
Before the draw, Uefa handed out awards like they were participation trophies. Thierry Henry got the President's Award, and Marquinhos got a 'Respect Award' for comforting Gabriel Magalhães after PSG's final win. Very wholesome, very Uefa. Meanwhile, in the background, Uefa is preparing a criminal complaint against Gianni Infantino over his 'Fifa Forward Enterprise' plan. So, you know, the usual football governance chaos.
The format: 36 teams, eight games each, four home and four away, with two opponents from each pot. No same-country clashes. Top eight go to the last 16, ninth to 24th get a playoff, and the bottom eight get eliminated and booed. It's a system that's been... fine? PSG won both editions despite finishing 15th and 11th in the league phase, so maybe the top eight isn't that important after all. But hey, the final matchday drama is real.
As for the Premier League, they grabbed five of the top eight spots last year, so everyone else probably wanted to avoid them. But with draws like these, nobody's getting an easy ride. Buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy group stage.