In a plot twist that would make a disaster movie screenwriter blush, more than 1,700 passengers and crew aboard Ambassador Cruise Line's Ambition have been confined to the ship in Bordeaux after a suspected norovirus outbreak. The cruise line confirmed to the Guardian that a number of people on the 14-night trip of western France and Spain have displayed symptoms consistent with gastrointestinal illness, which is a fancy way of saying stomach bug.

Currently, 49 active cases have been reported among passengers and crew, making up just under 3% of the ship's population. The operator stressed it takes the issue "extremely seriously," which is corporate speak for "we've cranked up the hand sanitizer stations." French health authorities have requested a routine review of the ship's health status, with samples sent to Bordeaux university hospital for testing. Results require a minimum of six hours to process, giving passengers ample time to contemplate their life choices from the deck.

Today's planned activities have been cancelled, with customers receiving full refunds. The gastrointestinal illness is not believed to be linked to the separate hantavirus outbreak that dominated headlines last week, because apparently the universe decided one outbreak per week is the limit. Once clearance is granted, guests will be permitted to disembark, though one imagines they'll be eyeing the buffet with renewed suspicion.

Meanwhile, in a completely unrelated segment of the news cycle, Ukraine's Volodymyr Zelenskyy reported that at least six people were killed in Russian attacks today, with at least 800 Russian drones launched so far. He suggested Russia is timing its attacks to disrupt the political atmosphere during US President Donald Trump's visit to China. Nato's Mark Rutte chimed in, noting that "Putin has to play ball, and at the moment he is not." The B9 group of countries, meeting in Bucharest, reaffirmed that Russia remains the most significant and direct threat to Nato, as if anyone needed reminding.

Back in Bordeaux, passengers are reportedly taking pictures of the city from the deck, because when life gives you a stomach bug, you take photos. No security measures were in place around the ship, presumably because the only thing anyone wants to escape from is the bathroom.