The Hill
Trump Blames Cornyn and Rove for Texas Senate Race, Because Apparently That's How Elections Work Now
Trump blames Cornyn and Rove for potentially losing Texas Senate race, because nothing says 'winning' like preemptive finger-pointing.
2026-10-15
The Hill
The Guardian
Texas Democrat Answers Voter Questions, Because Apparently That's Still a Thing
Texas Democrat James Talarico faced voter grilling on Gaza, abortion, and his own faith - then reminded everyone that conspiracy theories don't put gas in the tank.
The Guardian
Trump Announces Ukraine Ceasefire Nobody Agreed To, Putin Responds With Power Plant Fireworks
Trump declares a Ukraine ceasefire no one agreed to, Zelenskyy shrugs, Putin blows up power plants, and the world collectively sighs.
The Guardian
Trump Rallies Voters, Lies About a Senate Candidate, and Accepts a Free Plane Because 'When You're Giving Gifts, You Take Them, Right?'
Trump campaigns on a Qatari-gifted jet, invents a Muslim Brotherhood membership for a Senate candidate, and the White House press secretary explains that 'I moved to China' was just a hearing issue.
2026-10-14
The Hill
Starlink Blinks, Ukraine Panics, Trump Rallies, and Inflation Refuses to Read the Room
Ukraine frets over Starlink speeds, Trump jets between rallies, and inflation climbs to 3.7 percent - proving some things never buffer.
2026-10-13
The Hill
Trump Administration Cuts Refugee Appeal Window to 10 Days, Because Due Process Was Taking Too Long
The Trump administration trimmed the refugee status appeal window from 30 days to 10, skipping public comment and citing Biden's screening as the culprit - because nothing speeds up justice like a deadline refugees can't possibly meet.
The Hill
Trump Heads to Kansas to Rescue a 'Toss-Up' Race That Wasn't Supposed to Be One
Trump is heading to Kansas to boost Sen. Roger Marshall in a race the Cook Political Report calls a toss-up, because nothing calms nerves like a rally.
2026-10-11
The Guardian
Trump and Rubio Reportedly Weigh Firing Ambassador Who Apparently Thought 'Diplomacy' Meant 'Invoicing a Donor'
Trump and Rubio are reportedly weighing whether to fire Ambassador Kimberly Guilfoyle, who allegedly threatened a Greek official, took improper gifts, and asked a donor to cover a $100,000 credit card bill.
2026-10-10
The Guardian
Trump Suggests Ukraine Get New Leader, Because That's Clearly the Problem Here
Trump says Ukraine needs a new leader after making a diesel deal with Putin, because clearly the problem is the guy getting bombed, not the guy doing the bombing.
The Hill
Trump Cancels Football Game Due to Hurricane, Promises Tennessee Rally and Maybe a Televised Execution
Trump skips a football game due to a hurricane, heads to Tennessee to campaign, and remains noncommittal on whether a firing squad execution will be livestreamed - because that's where we are now.
2026-10-09
BBC Business
Trump Throws Everything at Gas Prices, Which Remain Unimpressed
Trump has pulled every fuel-price lever available to a president, and the levers have politely declined to cooperate before the midterms.
BBC World
Trump Solves Diesel Prices by Asking Putin Nicely, Zelensky Calls It a 'Gift to Putin'
Trump cuts a deal with Putin to lower diesel prices, because nothing says 'America First' like outsourcing your fuel supply to the guy you've been sanctioning.
The Guardian
Trump's Deportation Drive Projected to Cost Seniors $2,152 a Year in Social Security, Because Math Is Apparently Political Now
A new report says Trump's immigration crackdown will cost seniors $2,152 a year in Social Security by 2034 - because apparently the only thing trickling down is the consequences.
2026-10-08
The Guardian Europe
Trump Tries to Ban CNN, Politico, and MS Now from White House; Judge Says 'We'll See About That'
Trump's media ban goes to court, while the president plays debate matchmaker for his endorsed candidates across Texas, Georgia, Michigan, and Maine.
2026-10-07
The Guardian
Rubio Discovers Ancient Greece, Newsom Discovers Treason, Collins Discovers Independence
Rubio delivers a speech about ancient Greek values from the Acropolis, Collins insists she's independent while voting with Trump 96% of the time, and Newsom calls Trump's "let Iran take out LA" comments treasonous.
The Guardian
Susan Collins Insists She's Not Trump's Favorite Senator, Which Is Exactly What Trump's Favorite Senator Would Say
Susan Collins says she's not Trump's favorite senator, a claim best verified by asking Trump, who has lost Maine three times.
2026-10-06
The Hill
Trump Announces Taxpayers Now Proud Part-Owners of Submarine Shipyard, Whether They Asked or Not
Taxpayers get 40 percent of a Maryland submarine shipyard, because apparently the government is now also a private equity firm with torpedoes.
The Guardian
Congress Can't Stop a War It Never Voted For, and Other Fun Facts About Checks and Balances
Congress didn't approve the Iran war, but don't worry - the 1973 War Powers Resolution has been creatively reinterpreted into a suggestion box.
The Hill
Trump Signs Order Allowing Tax-Free Red Diesel, Which Experts Say Won't Fix $6.32-a-Gallon Prices
Trump signs an order letting anyone buy tax-free red-dyed diesel, which one oil analyst calls "a Band-Aid where a tourniquet would be more appropriate" - at $6.32 a gallon.
2026-10-05
The Verge
Hyundai CEO Requests 'Level Playing Field,' Which Is Corporate for 'Please Keep Tariffs, But Also Beat China Fairly'
Hyundai CEO José Muñoz wants a 'level playing field' against China, which is what you say when you'd like the tariffs to stay exactly where they are, thank you very much.
The Good Times
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