Hello and welcome to the football merry-go-round where the only thing spinning faster than transfer rumours is the logic behind them. Arsenal have kicked off their title defence by splashing £51m on Ezri Konsa from Aston Villa, because why not buy the league's best defender when you're already the champions? Konsa, an England international, has signed a four-year deal, presumably with a clause that he doesn't have to face Micky Quinn, who famously put £50 on himself to be top scorer back in 1993-94 - a bet that apparently paid off, unlike most of our financial decisions.

Meanwhile, Liverpool's Andoni Iraola has admitted his squad is 'quite thin', which is like saying the Titanic had a slight water ingress. With Mohamed Salah, Andy Robertson and Ibrahima Konate gone, and Curtis Jones on the way out, they've brought in Victor Munoz, Jeremy Jacquet and a loanee from Barcelona. That's like replacing a gourmet meal with a packet of crisps and calling it dinner. Iraola insists they'll 'definitely sign some players', but with a £50m bid for Yankuba Minteh rejected and Bradley Barcola's valuation a sticking point, they might end up signing a cardboard cutout of a winger just to fill the gap.

Hull City, freshly promoted, are being written off by everyone including the Cole brothers, who said 'Hull are gone, man' after they spent £70m. Their coach Sergej Jakirovic is 'buzzing' and sees it as motivation. At least someone's optimistic; it's probably the same optimism that made us think we'd get through this transfer window without a single 'here we go'.

Over in Spain, Real Betis have signed Troy Parrott for €16m after he scored 31 goals for AZ Alkmaar and single-handedly dragged Ireland into a playoff spot. He's traded the Dutch drizzle for Seville sunshine, which is a lifestyle upgrade even if the football doesn't work out. And in Serie C, Ronaldinho's signing at 46 for Ravenna seemed like a joke, but then again, so does most of this transfer window.

Bayern Munich's Jamal Musiala collapsed twice due to a neurological condition, but his coach Vincent Kompany says it's just side effects from changing medication. No cause for alarm, they say, as he sits out the Supercup. Sure, it's fine - just a routine mid-match collapse, happens to the best of us.

And because the football world wasn't chaotic enough, UEFA and Concacaf are plotting a combined Nations League involving 96 countries, which sounds like a FIFA video game mode no one asked for. But hey, why not add more fixtures to the already jam-packed calendar? It's not like players need rest or anything.

Stay tuned for more transfer sagas, because if there's one thing football loves more than goals, it's a good old-fashioned spending spree with questionable logic.