In a stunning upset that has shocked absolutely no one, MI6 has been officially crowned the most powerful foreign intelligence service in Europe, beating out France and the Netherlands in a peer review that basically asked spies to rate other spies. Because who better to judge espionage than the people who do it for a living?

The British agency racked up an impressive 251 points in the review, which was conducted by 60 professionals from 25 countries. They were specifically praised for their knack for recruiting high-level informants and cozying up to the ruling elites in Russia, China, Iran, and Turkey. You know, the usual.

France's General Directorate for External Security (DGSE) came in second with 169 points, presumably for its global reach and operational capability, as reported by the Times. The Netherlands, Ukraine, and Germany rounded out the top five, while Slovakia's service was rated the worst - likely a consolation prize for something.

The whole affair was orchestrated by French magazine L'Express, which asked people in state intelligence services to rate their counterparts in western-allied countries. Because nothing says 'trustworthy' like asking spies to grade their rivals.

Britain was hailed as the first to warn Ukraine about the imminent Russian invasion that kicked off in February 2022, and has been a staunch ally of Kyiv ever since. Ralph Goff, a former CIA chief of operations for Europe and Eurasia, told the magazine: "The British are in the lead on the Ukrainian file. We are right behind them." Robert Gorelick, another former CIA station chief, added: "The United Kingdom has by far the strongest secret services in Europe. MI6 is extraordinary." With endorsements like that, who needs a five-star rating?

Last year, Blaise Metreweli made history as the first woman to lead MI6, taking over from Sir Richard Moore. A former head of the DGSE noted: "The British have the ability to play the long game, investing in sources over a 10-year horizon, somewhat like the Russians. And they have a taste for dirty tricks." Because nothing says 'bond' like a 10-year investment plan.

The DGSE, which was dramatized in the French series The Bureau, was also rated as one of the world's best in counter-terrorism. The service is renowned for its clandestine operations to 'eliminate' people deemed a threat to French security. François Hollande, the former French president, openly admitted to ordering at least 40 operations to assassinate 'high value' targets in the Middle East and Africa, according to a 2017 book. Talk about a legacy.

A Polish intelligence executive told L'Express: "It is the only service in continental Europe with near-global reach. They combine technical collection, human intelligence, and operational action capabilities." So, in summary, spies rank other spies, Britain wins, and everyone else is just playing catch-up. In other news, water is wet.