Local council results are trickling in across England, with the Scottish and Welsh parliamentary verdicts expected to drop later today, because why let a perfectly good political crisis end in one time zone?

Labour leader Keir Starmer has bravely stepped up to announce he 'takes responsibility' for his party losing hundreds of council seats in England - which, in political terms, is the equivalent of a captain saying 'my bad' as the ship goes down, while offering no lifeboats.

Meanwhile, the Conservatives are pretending this isn't a massacre of their own. Party chairman Kevin Hollinrake, with all the energy of a man trying to sell a used car that's still on fire, declared: 'We have run an energetic and positive campaign, showcasing that we have a clear plan to get Britain working again.' He added, with the grim optimism of a gambler who just lost his house, that 'so soon after a historic general election defeat... this will be a difficult set of elections for us.'

The Liberal Democrats, smelling blood and opportunity, issued a statement that could best be summarised as: 'People are deeply disappointed with Labour, appalled by Reform, and terrified by Nigel Farage's Trump cosplay - so please, for the love of God, vote for us, the party of sensible beige policy.'

The Greens, meanwhile, are positively giddy. 'The news from the doorstep is that we will be taking seats from not just Labour but the Tories and Lib Dems too,' they crowed, apparently having found a gap in the market for a party that treats the cost-of-living crisis like an actual crisis, rather than a mildly inconvenient drizzle.

And in Wales, Plaid Cymru is riding a wave of enthusiasm for Rhun ap Iorwerth's leadership and a burning desire for 'a positive alternative to Reform UK’s chaos and division.' Because nothing says 'positive alternative' like a party whose name most English people can't pronounce.

So, in summary: Labour is losing, the Tories are losing, Reform is rising, the Lib Dems are waiting, the Greens are winning, and Plaid Cymru is... being Plaid Cymru. Democracy: it's like watching a particularly chaotic episode of *The Apprentice*, but with fewer firing and more fumbling.