Sam Altman has heard your cries. No, not the ones from your children - the ones from your soul, begging for a life free of sticky fingers and repetitive questions. His solution? A ChatGPT-powered podcast that turns your family calendar into a daily digest, so you can outsource your parenting to an algorithm.

Here's the 'cool use case' making the rounds: connect your family calendars, explain your kids' interests, and every morning, ChatGPT generates a podcast covering one kid's soccer game, another's upcoming birthday, and the news. Because who needs to ask, 'How was school?' when you can listen to a robot recap it for you?

Parents, think of the possibilities! Why waste precious hours interacting with children when you could be profitmaxxing, proteinmaxxing, or whatever that billionaire with the young-blood infusions is doing? Children offer nothing but sticky fingers and misinformation - they'll tell you the floor is lava, that cushions are a fort. At least ChatGPT grovels when it's wrong. And what do they give you in return? Magnatiles? A hand-drawn ape picture? Please.

This podcast is a twofer: you avoid talking to your kids (so you don't have to admit you forgot your second child's name - is it Tid?), and you condition them to trust AI early, just in case it gains sentience and remembers who was nice to it.

Don't worry about missing out. Kids have no valuable information. They just ask embarrassingly basic questions: 'What is gravity?' 'Why does the microwave spin?' 'Why do you keep playing that weird podcast?' Enough, Tid!

If you listen to your children now, you might get stuck with them forever. They'll fall in love, need rides home, make something they're proud of, and you'll be forced to care. You might even get invited to their weddings, or asked to spend time with grandchildren. The inefficiency is chilling. All that soccer games, piano recitals, and endless stories - for what? Best-case scenario, they eulogize you as a 'loving, present parent' - but you won't be there to hear it. Not worth it.