As the 2025-26 Premier League season stumbles to its conclusion, we're left with the kind of drama that makes you grateful for the off-season. Tottenham, who haven't been relegated since 1977 (a feat of endurance almost as impressive as their trophy drought), need only a draw against Everton to stay up. West Ham, meanwhile, are hoping David Moyes' Everton will do them a solid - a man they fired twice, because football is a cruel and petty god.

Over at Liverpool, the soap opera continues. Arne Slot is trying to bring in Etiënne Reijnen as an assistant coach, a move that would unite two men who once played together at PEC Zwolle. Slot tried to hire Reijnen two years ago but work permits said no. Now, with Liverpool's Champions League hopes dangling by a thread and Mohamed Salah undermining him via social media (the modern way), Slot is doubling down on backroom staff. "As long as things are not done, then I will not be commenting," Slot said, which is code for "please don't ask me about Salah's Instagram."

Elsewhere, an Arsenal fan named Oliver Newman is in Hanoi, sipping beer and watching the sunset, free from the anxiety of a title race because Arsenal already won the league on Tuesday. Imagine that: an Arsenal fan relaxing. It's like seeing a unicorn order a pint.

And for those of you who missed matches: one fan skipped the 2010 Fulham-Juventus comeback because work was bad. Another performed a one-man play in Nairobi during Ipswich's 1978 FA Cup final win. We've all been there - except we haven't, because most of us just watch the game.