Today's tittle-tattle has once again found itself staring into the abyss, a place where logic goes to die and speculation reigns supreme. The latest episode begins with Enzo Fernández, conspicuously absent from Chelsea's squad that dispatched Luton in the Carabao Cup last night. Despite his manager's pre-match assurances that the Argentinian midfielder would feature, Fernández was nowhere to be seen, prompting the usual frenzy of whispers about a move to Manchester City. Chelsea, ever the pragmatists, are reportedly holding out for a cool £120m for the 25-year-old, while City are also eyeing Iliman Ndiaye, who Everton value at a slightly more modest £80m.

Meanwhile, Mikel Arteta insists he is "really happy" with his Arsenal squad, but talk persists that he'd be even happier if Julián Alvarez were part of it. Alvarez, currently a pariah among Atlético Madrid fans after expressing a desire to leave, fancies a "dream" move to Barcelona. Unfortunately for him, his employers refuse to sell to the Spanish champions, and Alvarez has responded by skipping training for two days. Atlético officials, ever the dealmakers, are now believed to be in talks with Arsenal over a £128m transfer, with Gabriel Jesus potentially heading the other way to grease the wheels. Because nothing says 'smooth negotiation' like a player who's gone AWOL and a rival club's cast-off.