If you've read her columns, seen her from a mile away, or chatted with her for five seconds, you know the author is a card-carrying, lifelong member of the Fat Lesbian Club. But her latest beef isn't with the scale - it's with the peanut gallery that decides how fat people should lose weight, and then moves the goalposts.

It all started with John Goodman, the actor who has held a special place in her heart since she first watched Roseanne as a child. Was it Dan Conner she wanted, or to be Dan Conner? She's still not sure, but she's always found him hot - from Roseanne to Fred Flintstone to The Big Lebowski's Walter. Last week, a photo of Goodman, 74, showing significant weight loss went viral, and you know what happened next: the internet did what it does best - argued about whether his weight loss was legitimate.

On one side, the congratulators praised his 'hard work.' On the other, the Ozempic accusers declared it wasn't real effort. And then the defenders swooped in to say he'd been losing weight for years, so he'd done it the 'right way.' Because apparently, there's a right way and a wrong way to change your body, and the internet is the supreme judge.

The author's point, delivered with a sigh: fat people cannot win, regardless of what they do. Whether they use weight loss drugs like Ozempic or not, someone will find a reason to dismiss their efforts. And why does it matter how a person changes their body anyway? It's their body. The obsession with policing fat people's weight loss methods is exhausting, and she's had enough.

So let's recap: John Goodman lost weight, and the internet turned it into a morality play about the purity of weight loss. The author's message: get a life, and maybe a hobby that doesn't involve judging other people's bodies.