In a stunning display of cause and effect that would make a philosopher proud, Julián Alvarez has apparently decided that being booed during Atlético Madrid's draw with Villarreal on Sunday is a sign he should take his talents to Arsenal. The former Manchester City man has been kept from Barcelona's clutches - not by any great loyalty, but by the simple fact that Barcelona may not have the funds. Arsenal, on the other hand, are practically swimming in cash, which is always a nice quality in a potential employer.
Meanwhile, Alejandro Balde found himself unceremoniously left out of Barcelona's squad as they cruised past Elche, which the Catalan club are interpreting as a green light for a move to Manchester United. Because, as we all know, a new left-back will magically solve all of Old Trafford's problems. Sure, why not.
Jarrod Bowen has pledged his undying loyalty to West Ham, even as they tumble into the Championship with all the grace of a drunken giraffe. But loyalty can be tested, especially when Crystal Palace come knocking with a £50m bid after their own disastrous start - they were blunt at Everton, which is a polite way of saying they were about as sharp as a spoon. The Eagles might be entering panic mode, and panic mode often leads to reckless spending on a Hammers skipper.
A 4-0 drubbing at Brighton is a great way to ruin a weekend, but it also motivates a club to hit the transfer market like a kid in a candy store. Aston Villa have set their sights on Joel Ordóñez, presumably to plug all the holes in their defense, assuming Club Brugge are willing to part with their centre-back for a fee that doesn't require selling a kidney.
There is exactly one way to bounce back from losing to Ipswich, and that is to splash £34m on a Barcelona player. Sunderland have been tracking Marc Casadó all summer, and the 22-year-old has been linked with basically every Premier League club that has a pulse, so this is hardly a unique pursuit.
The saga of Jonathan Jesus continues, with Cruzeiro's 22-year-old centre-back potentially heading to Strasbourg or Chelsea, depending on which rumor you believe. BlueCo, the ownership group, are reportedly keen, but so are Real Betis, Valencia, and Benfica, because nothing says 'desirable' like a bidding war for a player nobody had heard of three months ago.
Chelsea, ever the sellers, will be thrilled to hear Napoli are mulling over a move for striker Marc Guiu. Whether the Italians are willing to part with £25m for the Spaniard is another matter, as they currently believe Chelsea's valuation is a bit on the high side. Shock horror: a club thinks another club's asking price is too steep. In other news, water is wet.
Hull City had a fantastic start to the season, giving Manchester United a proper shooing on Saturday. To build on that, they've agreed a £15.4m deal for forward Mohamed-Ali Cho from Nice. Because nothing says 'building on success' like spending money on a player who might not even start.
And finally, Joe Willock, despite scoring against Liverpool, is being linked with a move to Besiktas. The Turkish club are reportedly casting flirtatious glances at the Newcastle midfielder, because apparently, no transfer window is complete without at least one player being linked to a club in Istanbul.