The Guardian
Australia Pledges $60m to Ukraine, Because Apparently Being Nice Still Costs Money
Australia throws another $60m at Ukraine, because apparently freedom isn't free - it's just heavily subsidized by embarrassed world leaders.
The Guardian
The Guardian
Save the Children Gets Official Regulatory Slap on the Wrist After Staff Put at Risk in Yemen
Save the Children gets a regulatory warning for putting staff at risk in Yemen, because apparently 'high-risk environment' doesn't cover basic oversight.
TechCrunch
Cybersecurity's Old Model Is Breaking, and Investors Are Throwing Money at the Fix
Investors are throwing cash at AI-native security startups because the old human-in-the-loop model can't keep up, says Index Ventures' Shardul Shah.
The Verge
Bernie Sanders Proposes Prison Time for Anyone Building Skynet, Because That Always Works Out
Bernie Sanders wants to ban superintelligence and throw violators in prison for 20 years, because nothing says 'we're in control' like legislating against the robot apocalypse.
The Hill
USDA Recalls 167,000 Pounds of Meat That Somehow Skipped the Whole Inspection Thing
USDA recalls 167,000 pounds of uninspected pork, beef, and goat from Star Meat Delivery Inc. because apparently 'trust us, we're a meat company' isn't a food safety protocol.
Pitchfork
Shoegaze Band Announces 29-Song Mixtape, Proving 'Mixtape' Now Means 'Album With Friends'
They Are Gutting a Body of Water announce a 29-song mixtape with Spirit of the Beehive, Hotline TNT, RXK Nephew, and a guest list longer than the tour itself.
Grist
Indigenous Communities Already Have Climate Solutions; World Still Has Excuses
Land Is Life report confirms Indigenous communities are already nailing climate adaptation - if only the rest of us would stop hogging the funding.
The Guardian Europe
Ancient Wall Found Under Paris, Because of Course It Was Under Paris
Archaeologists found a 2,000-year-old wall under Paris, possibly proving the Île de la Cité was the original Lutetia - and not Nanterre, which is probably furious.
The Hill
Missouri Redistricting Fight Returns to Supreme Court, Because Third Time's the Charm
Missouri's redistricting battle hits the Supreme Court for the third time in three weeks, with voting already underway and everyone pretending this is normal.
BBC Business
Back-to-Work Czar Says Call Your Boss When Sick, Because Emails Apparently Aren't Human Enough
Government taskforce says picking up the phone when you're off sick could save the economy billions, because emails and sicknotes apparently lack the human touch.
The Guardian
South Africa's Top Cop Charged With Rape and Grooming, Because Apparently Irony Is Dead
South Africa's deputy police commissioner charged with rape and grooming, because the police force apparently needed more bad press.
ScienceDaily
Solar System Picked Rocky Over Icy From Day One, Because Of Course It Did
Yale researchers find the early Solar System was 83-92% hot rocks and barely any icy dust, proving the universe has always had a type.
TechCrunch
Discord Rolls Out Age Verification to Everyone, Because Nothing Says 'Community' Like a Credit Card Scan
Discord finally rolls out age verification for all users after a February delay, promising 90% won't need to scan anything - unless the algorithm thinks you act like a teen.
BBC Health
Surgeons Warn Cheap 'Bleph' Eyelid Surgery Abroad Is a Great Way to Pay Less and Get More, Like Open Wounds
Bargain-hunting eyelid surgery abroad is delivering exactly what you'd expect: open wounds, DIY stitch removal, and an NHS bill for the cleanup.
The Guardian Europe
Woman Regains Sea Access Via Brother, Proving Siblings Occasionally Useful
Chronic illness took her legs and the sea, until her brother found a way to get her back on the water - because siblings are occasionally good for something.
The Guardian Europe
Country Diary Discovers Autumn's Fruit Bounty, Because Apparently Seasons Still Happen
A damp walk through Teifi Marshes reveals autumn's fruit bounty is well underway, because nature refuses to check the calendar.
ScienceDaily
LHC Rules Out Another Hiding Place for Quantum Black Holes, Universe Remains Annoyingly Unresolved
The LHC looked for microscopic black holes, found none, and published the non-finding anyway - because in particle physics, ruling things out is basically the whole job.
The Hill
Ted Cruz Declares War on 'Right-Wing Socialism,' Reminds GOP That Santa Claus Isn't a Campaign Strategy
Ted Cruz says Republicans shouldn't play the 'giving away free stuff' game, because apparently the path to populist victory is fighting for jobs, not being a 'generous Santa Claus.'
BBC Business
Young People Without the Bank of Mum and Dad Discover the Bank of Nowhere to Turn
Three young women without the Bank of Mum and Dad discover that treading water is significantly harder when nobody throws you a buoyancy aid.
The Guardian
Sri Lanka Sentences 15 to Centuries in Prison for Easter Bombings, Because Apparently 'Life' Wasn't Literal Enough
Sri Lanka's court hands 15 men at least 200 years each for the 2019 Easter bombings, because apparently 'life in prison' needed a more mathematical approach.
The Good Times
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