As Texas heads to the polls for a Republican Senate runoff, Donald Trump has reminded his supporters to vote for Attorney General Ken Paxton, who is challenging four-term incumbent John Cornyn. Trump called Paxton “a true Maga warrior,” which is a bit like calling a house fire a “warm glow” - technically accurate from a certain perspective, but ignoring the surrounding chaos. Paxton was acquitted in a 2023 impeachment trial on corruption charges and settled a securities fraud case in 2024, but hey, nobody’s perfect.
Meanwhile, construction is underway on the White House lawn for a UFC arena that will host a cage match on June 14 to celebrate both the United States’ 250th anniversary and Trump’s 80th birthday. The original plan called for 20,000 to 25,000 people and “eight or nine championship fights,” but now it’s a 5,000-seat arena with two title fights: Ilia Topuria vs. Justin Gaethje for the lightweight championship, and Alex Pereira vs. Ciryl Gane for an interim heavyweight title. Just imagine: the same lawn where kids once hunted for Easter eggs will now host two men trying to punch each other into next week. The Scripps National Spelling Bee, conveniently held nearby at Constitution Hall, now has families navigating around construction equipment. As one parent, Rajeev Malhotra, put it, “two very disparate forms of entertainment.” Indeed.
In other news, NASA has announced plans for three uncrewed lunar missions this year to kickstart construction of a $20 billion moon base, selecting Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin over Elon Musk’s SpaceX for the first mission. NASA Administrator Jared Isaacman said the highly successful Artemis II mission last month - which sent four astronauts around the moon for the first time since 1972 - was a catalyst. “People are looking up again, believing in big things again,” he said, without mentioning that those same people might also be watching a UFC fight on the White House lawn.
The United States Space Force has awarded a $2.29 billion contract to SpaceX to build a satellite communications network connecting military sensors and weapons platforms worldwide. So if you were worried about the military’s ability to coordinate airstrikes via satellite, rest easy - Elon’s got this.
Trump completed his annual physical at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, declaring on social media that “Everything checked out PERFECTLY.” This comes amid a year of public attention to his health, though the president - the oldest inaugurated in US history - offered no further details. We’re sure it’s fine.
The Trump administration is also considering asking federal workers to sign nondisclosure agreements to prevent them from sharing confidential information with journalists. The Office of Personnel Management released a draft agreement that would entitle the government to any “royalties” employees receive from disclosing information. Because nothing says “transparent government” like a document that basically says “shut up and give us your money if you don’t.”
Iran has accused the US of breaking the ceasefire after what the US called “self-defense” strikes overnight, casting doubt on Trump’s insistence that a peace deal is close. In a related move, Brazilian Senator Flávio Bolsonaro - son of former far-right President Jair Bolsonaro - met with Trump at the White House today. Bolsonaro is running for Brazil’s presidency against incumbent Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva, who met with Trump earlier this month. It’s like a game of diplomatic musical chairs, but with more leaked messages about fraudulent donations.
Uber and Lyft drivers in Massachusetts became the first in the nation to certify a union for gig-economy workers, with the Massachusetts Department of Labor Relations certifying the App Drivers Union representing nearly 70,000 drivers. Governor Maura Healey called it “the game for ride-share workers across this country,” and labor leaders hailed it as the largest organizing win since Ford autoworkers unionized in 1941. Drivers say they’re contending with rising costs and the rise of self-driving vehicles, which is like fighting a battle on two fronts: one against inflation, the other against robots.
And finally, the winning plan to rebuild Penn Station features Trump’s name etched into marble alongside a presidential seal, plus gold-accented railings and American flags - echoing the design of the new White House ballroom. The White House had previously proposed renaming the station “Trump Station.” Because if you can’t rename a train station after yourself, what’s the point of being president?