In a move that surprises absolutely no one who has been paying attention, Romanian authorities formally indicted Andrew Tate on Friday, along with his older brother Tristan. The charges? A veritable buffet of alleged crimes: trafficking minors, money laundering, and sexual offences, plus a side of attempted justice-perverting for Tristan. Because when you're accused of trying to stop a victim from talking to police, you're clearly committed to the bit.

The indictment, courtesy of DIICOT (Romania's Directorate for Investigating Organized Crime and Terrorism, which sounds like a villainous organization from a Bond film but is actually quite serious), includes allegations that a minor was moved to Luton, UK, for the purpose of online pornography. Yes, Luton: the town that makes you wonder if the alleged victim was trafficked or just punished.

Prosecutors are also eyeing four of the brothers' luxury cars, worth a cool €825,000, for confiscation. Because nothing says 'I'm innocent' like a fleet of vehicles that could fund a small country's GDP.

The Tates, who have denied all allegations with the fervor of a man who's watched one too many of his own podcasts, also face separate legal tangles in the US and UK. Their Romanian lawyer, Eugen Vidineac, has promised to scrutinize the indictment with 'the same level of scrutiny' as a detective in a crime drama, and to challenge any 'deficiencies' - presumably including the slight deficiency of evidence that might actually exonerate them.

Meanwhile, in other European news, Germany is bracing for a state election in Saxony-Anhalt that could see the far-right AfD take power for the first time since World War II. Because nothing says 'we've learned from history' like handing the keys to a party classified as 'firmly rightwing extremist.' The AfD has promised deportations 'from day one,' which is sure to comfort minorities and refugees in the region, including 44-year-old Fatemeh, who worries daily about her son's future. But hey, at least the cake at the Bible study was good.

Germany is also investigating yet another attempt to short-circuit an electricity grid transformer south of Düsseldorf, following two similar incidents. The interior ministry calls these 'hybrid attacks' and notes they're no coincidence on the eve of an election. Because nothing says 'democratic process' like a bit of strategic infrastructure sabotage.

Volkswagen has approved plans to shed 100,000 jobs, because who needs job security when you're competing with Chinese rivals? The company will end production at four German plants between 2031 and 2034, and CEO Oliver Blume, who was booed by staff last month, called this 'a strong signal for the future.' Strong signal, indeed - like a smoke signal from a burning factory.

In Italy, Giorgia Meloni is celebrating her government becoming the longest-serving since the Republic's history, a record she says is 'not something to flaunt.' But she's flaunting it anyway with a festival-style rally in Bari, attended by 10,000 people bussed in from across the country. Because when you've got a record, you might as well throw a party - even if your far-right coalition is being challenged by a former army general who's poaching your voters.

And in Ukraine, Russia continues its nightly attacks on energy facilities, killing at least one in Odesa and injuring five, as Ukraine's president Zelenskyy prepares for talks with US negotiators. Meanwhile, Air Tanzania has suspended flights to Moscow, citing 'a routine risk assessment' - which in airline-speak means 'we'd rather not get shot down, thanks.'

It's all happening in Europe, folks. Stay tuned.