In a Sydney courtroom, former police officer Beau Lamarre-Condon took the stand in his double murder trial and delivered what can only be described as a masterclass in how to make a jury deeply uncomfortable while ostensibly explaining your mental state. The officer told the jury his experience at work made him feel suicidal, citing "all the constant pushback, the bullying, torment, being told I can go back to picking up dead bodies" and that it "made me feel suicidal. I didn't want to be at work any more." His voice shook as he described feeling he was letting down young people who needed him as a role model - a sentiment that would be more moving if it weren't sandwiched between admissions of felony-adjacent behavior.

Lamarre-Condon, a youth engagement officer, explained that his work with youth gangs meant he could have obtained a gun with remarkable ease. "I work with youth gangs. Some of their families are in the Comanchero … I could easily go to these kids that look up to me 'here's four grand … go get me a gun', and have a gun six hours later." The court presumably took a moment to process that the accused was describing his own gun-acquisition network as casually as one might describe ordering a pizza. He also mentioned that his supervisors, unhappy with his proposal to run equestrian therapy for women, told him he could "go back to picking up dead bodies on the street" if he kept escalating - a management style that HR might want to review.

The court heard that after his break-up with Jesse Baird in November 2023, Lamarre-Condon tried to avoid Paddington, saying, "I did not want to see Jesse, did not want to run into Jesse." But avoidance apparently had its limits. He admitted to pouring water into Baird's Tesla fuel tank after seeing scratches on the rims, which he believed Baird caused: "I know tit-for-tat isn't right, I did go to the street where Jesse parked his car and did pour water into the fuel tank." He also posted a bouquet of flowers to his story while Baird was in Melbourne, pretending they were from Baird, to see if another man Baird was seeing would message him. He later came clean - "within 10 hours of denying it I essentially came clean" - after first lying that the flowers were from his mother's partner.

In a moment that redefined the term 'hostile,' Lamarre-Condon described an incident where Baird chased him, screaming, "Let's go cunt you're lucky I don't have a fucking bat or a knife with me," before Lamarre-Condon threw Baird's wallet and phone back at him, with the phone landing down a drain. The court also heard about a night Baird left a key out for him; Lamarre-Condon let himself in, found Baird asleep, and put his phone in airplane mode so it wouldn't vibrate - a move he described as a "split-second decision" between having a conversation and running. He ran.

On a lighter note - and by lighter, we mean only marginally less bleak - Lamarre-Condon testified that he once saw Baird having sex with another man through his bedroom window after going to collect his things. "I paused for about 5 seconds … I immediately left, I didn't stay like a little creep, I didn't take any photos. I left … and actually laughed about it with friends." The jury was presumably relieved to hear he didn't take photos, given the earlier admission of photographing Baird's Instagram messages.

The court heard that in January 2023, Baird gave Lamarre-Condon access to his phone to edit a video, during which Instagram notifications from another man popped up. Lamarre-Condon took photos of the messages and sent them to friends, but insisted, "I did not block … I did not delete any messages, I did not unfollow anybody at this stage." He later did block the man on Baird's phone, but only after Baird asked him about it - and he denied it for ten hours before owning up.

The trial continues, presumably with more tales of equestrian therapy, fuel tank sabotage, and the world's most convoluted flower delivery.