Germany has officially recorded its worst drowning death toll in over two decades, with 99 people losing their lives in June - most of them young men who apparently thought the heatwave was a good excuse to go for a swim. According to official figures, temperatures hit a sweltering 41.7°C (107.1°F) in some areas, and the country's lifeguarding federation noted that this is the highest number of drownings since June 2003, when 107 people died. Of the victims whose ages were known, 40 were under 30, and more than 90% were male - proving once again that invincibility is a youthful delusion.

Across Europe, the heatwave has been blamed for over 1,300 excess deaths, according to the World Health Organization. France's sports minister, Marina Ferrari, reported 131 drowning deaths since 19 June, while Germany's Robert Koch Institute recorded at least 5,120 heat-related deaths this year, mostly in June and mostly among people aged 75 and older. Because apparently, climate breakdown doesn't discriminate - it just prefers the very young and the very old.

In France, the Eiffel Tower, the Louvre, and the Musée d'Orsay all closed early due to extreme heat, because nothing says "romantic Parisian summer" like a melted baguette and a heatstroke. The Tour de cycling race shortened its stage by 30 km for the first time in history, with Belgian cyclist Tim Merlier noting that racing in temperatures above 35°C is "definitely a fight to have water." Meanwhile, many towns cancelled Bastille Day fireworks for fear of wildfires, which is ironic given that France's national holiday celebrates the storming of a prison, not the immolation of the countryside.

Spain is still reeling from a wildfire in Andalucía that killed at least 12 people, including a Belgian businessman whose son disputed claims that victims ignored evacuation orders. The fire has been contained, allowing about 1,500 evacuees to return home. Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez is scheduled to visit the area, probably to hand out fans and bottled water.

Human-caused climate breakdown continues to supercharge extreme weather, turning Europe into a sauna with occasional pyrotechnics. But hey, at least the headlines are memorable.