Ah, the Women's Champions League. Where the beautiful game meets the beautiful game of trying to stay awake during a goalless draw. Tonight, Paris FC host Arsenal at the Stade Jean-Bouin, and we're here to bring you every thrilling minute of... whatever this turns out to be.
We're under way in Paris, where the away fans are already making themselves heard. Good for them. It's the only thing worth hearing so far.
2 mins: Mariam Toloba bursts forward down the left for Paris FC, and her near-post effort is saved and held by Misa. A rare moment of excitement.
3 mins: Arsenal earn an early corner, but the hosts clear it away comfortably. Standard.
5 mins: Lisa Baum lifts a useful cross towards Caldentey, who can't get enough power on her header from an awkward angle. Story of Arsenal's season, really.
7 mins: Arsenal win another corner and play it short, before Cooney Cross's ball into the middle bobbles through the penalty area. Bobbles. That's the word of the night.
9 mins: Emily Fox wins the ball in midfield, moves forward and sees her long-range shot closed down. Close, but no cigar.
10 mins: That creates a chance for Paris to counter, with captain and key threat Clara Mateo picking the ball up on the left, but her pass inside is intercepted. Typical.
12 mins: Stanway is penalised for a foul on Le Moguedec in midfield, and has a few words for the referee. We've all been there.
Meanwhile, there are a couple of other 7.45pm kick-offs: Barcelona taking on the Italian champions Roma, and Juventus visiting Swedish title-winners Häcken. We'll keep you updated on those, too, because apparently, we're gluttons for punishment.
On the pre-game show front, ESPN and Disney+ have copped plenty of flak for their pre-game show, The Hangout, which launched before the first round of games. Judging by tonight, they've made things feel a little more professional (there's no dog this time) and the guests know their stuff even if they are - gasp! - content creators. There have been technical troubles with the pitchside reporters, though. Because of course there have.
Renée Slegers makes just two changes from the 1-0 defeat to Chelsea, with Misa Rodriguez in goal ahead of Anneke Borbe, while Lotte Wubben-Moy replaces Steph Catley in defence. Catley, like Chloe Kelly, is injured and did not travel for the game.
Paris FC (4-2-3-1): Chavas; N'Dongala, Hocine, Greboval, Liaigre; Le Moguedec, Korosec; Reynders, Toloba, Mateo (c); Viens. Subs: Seweryn, Mendonca, Baquerizo, Diaz, Corboz, Traore, Scott, Sangare, Picard, Ishizaka, Torres, Mendy.
Arsenal (4-3-3): Misa; Fox, Williamson, Wubben-Moy, Batlle; Stanway, Little (c), Cooney-Cross; Baum, Russo, Caldentey. Subs: Borbe, Damm, Foord, Smith, Maanum, Reuteler, Hinds, Blackstenius, Cerci, Holmberg.
One, zero, one, one, zero - that is Arsenal's scoring record in five games this season, the Gunners devoid of their usual firepower. Their Champions League opener ended in a fortunate late win over Danish part-timers Køge, but today's opposition represent a significant step up.
Paris FC edged out PSG to finish second in the French top tier last season, and gave Barcelona a scare in their first game, even if the defending champs did eventually run out 5-2 winners. Arsenal will face Barça and Lyonnes later in this league phase amid a tough domestic fixture list, so tonight would be a good time to rediscover their attacking form. Or, you know, not.
Kick-off at the Stade Jean Bouin in Paris was at 5.45pm (BST). Stay tuned for all the team news and pre-match chat - because someone has to.