The Guardian
Trump Demands 30ft 'Colossus' of George Washington, Because Subtlety Is for Losers
Trump wants a 30ft 'Colossus' of George Washington to replace abstract art, because subtlety is for losers and history needs more bronze.
The Guardian
BBC Business
Supermarkets Swap Your Mackerel for a Cheaper Fish, Call It 'Skimpflation'
Supermarkets are swapping tinned mackerel for a cheaper, less nutritious fish, and consumer group Which? calls it 'skimpflation' - because 'we're cutting costs and hoping you don't notice' was too long for a headline.
ScienceDaily
Heart Calcium Scans: Great for Some, Unnecessary Radiation for Others, Study Finds
A new study says calcium scans are best for borderline-risk patients, because scanning everyone else is just expensive radiation with extra steps.
BBC World
Teen Survives Days Adrift in Alaskan Waters Because Apparently the Ocean Has a Sense of Humor
A 15-year-old boy survived days adrift in the Bering Sea by sitting on a capsized boat, while his family mourns the loss of two others. Because the ocean is a cruel mistress.
The Verge
LG Denies TV Spying, Insists 'Continuously' Is Just a Word It Uses Casually
LG says its TVs don't 'continuously' record you, a statement that hinges entirely on how you define 'continuously' and whether you enjoy being fingerprinted by your own living room.
Yahoo News
Photographer Captures Perseid Meteors and Star Trails Over Egypt, Because the Sky Apparently Has a Sense of Drama
Astrophotographer Osama Fathi captures Perseid meteors and star trails over Egypt's Western Desert, proving that sometimes the sky really does put on a better show than your Netflix queue.
The Guardian Europe
IDF Soldier Shoots Palestinian Man in Leg, Because Apparently That's Just a Thing That Happens Now
IDF soldier shoots Palestinian man in the leg during settler standoff over livestock, because the West Bank is apparently the Wild West now.
BBC World
France Approves Slightly Stronger Champagne Because Apparently the Climate Crisis Has a Silver Lining
France lets champagne hit 15% ABV after record heatwaves, because if the planet is going to boil, we may as well be tipsy for it.
Ars Technica
Man Spends $4,000 on Chinese Robot Dog, Watches It Die Two Miles From Home
Guy drops $4,017 on a Chinese robot dog, walks it to the White House, and watches it overheat on the way home - but hey, it's still 97% cheaper than Boston Dynamics.
BBC World
Trump Discovers United Ireland Is 'Fantastic,' Apparently Forgets UK Exists
Trump says a united Ireland would be 'fantastic,' because nothing says deep geopolitical insight like a guy who just wants to watch golf.
The Guardian Europe
Premier League Returns, Ballon d'Or Snubs Forwards, and Football Briefly Cares About Mental Health
The Premier League returns with Ballon d'Or snubs, Mudryk's ankle injury, and a campaign against suicide that's more than just a social media post.
ScienceDaily
Scientists Confirm Bats Hold Secret to Long Life, Because Of Course They Do
Bats live for ages without getting cancer, and scientists have finally figured out they're basically running on a high-octane immune system and a 'kill the damaged cell' policy that would make an elephant proud.
The Guardian Europe
Premier League Tells Men to Talk About Feelings, a Sentence Never Before Uttered in Football History
The Premier League tells middle-aged men to talk about their feelings, which is like a casino handing out pamphlets on the dangers of gambling - but genuinely helpful.
The Guardian Europe
London Seizes 3,393 Ebikes as City Realises Dumping Bikes Anywhere Was Maybe Not the Plan
London councils seize 3,393 ebikes this year, up 23% on all of 2025, as Lime, Forest and Voi discover that "leave it anywhere" is not a parking policy.
Grist
Houseplant Workers Sweat It Out So Your Ficus Can Live Its Best Life
Activists deliver a petition to Costa Farms, the world's largest indoor plant grower, demanding basic heat protections for workers who make your fiddle-leaf fig possible.
The Guardian
Houthis Capture Strategic Island, Because Apparently the Red Sea Needed More Drama
Houthis capture strategic island in Bab al-Mandab strait, because the Red Sea clearly needed more chaos and oil prices weren't high enough already.
The Guardian Europe
Vegan Leather Has Been Promising to Save the Planet for a Decade. The Cows Have Not Noticed.
Mushroom, cactus and pineapple leathers have raised over $1bn and slowed demand for real leather by approximately zero, according to the inconvenient numbers.
NPR Economy
Inflation Hits 3.4% as Diesel Toasts $6 a Gallon and the Fed Sharpens Its Rate-Hike Pitchfork
Inflation rose 3.4% in August, diesel hit a record $6 a gallon, and investors are now 85% sure the Fed will raise rates next week - because nothing says 'getting prices under control' like making everything cost more.
BBC Politics
MPs Vote Down Assisted Dying Bill, Because Apparently Death Is Still a Committee Decision
MPs vote 286 to 270 against legalising assisted dying, because nothing says compassion like a narrow parliamentary defeat.
Pitchfork
Lil Durk Acquitted in Murder-for-Hire Plot, Because Apparently Lyrics Aren't a Confession
Lil Durk beats murder-for-hire charges after a trial where prosecutors tried to use his lyrics as evidence - a tactic that remains as legally sound as it is creatively bankrupt.
The Good Times
News in your inbox.
One sardonic roundup, delivered on your schedule. Free. Unsubscribe whenever your tolerance for wit runs out.
Already subscribed but we never reach your inbox? Check your spam folder and hit 'Not spam' (or 'Remove from spam') to bust us out of junk-mail purgatory. You'll be helping everyone else too.