In the grand tradition of football trivia that exists purely to make you question your life choices, we present: the quest for a player who scored with the very first touch of his professional career. Because apparently, scoring on your debut is too pedestrian.

"Jamie Spencer, 17, made his first first-team appearance in a competitive match, for Huddersfield at Doncaster on 9 September in the prestigious EFL Trophy," emails Richard Askham, clearly a man with time on his hands. "He came on as a substitute in the 66th minute and scored with his second touch of the ball, one to control it and the second to score. Has anyone scored with their very first touch, which is the only way to better young Spencer's achievement?"

We did cover a variation of this back in 2021, focusing on players scoring with their first touch on debut for a new club. But this week, we're going full pedant: first touch of their entire professional careers. And yes, a few from that 2021 piece still qualify, because trivia is nothing if not recycling.

So, who are these mythical creatures? Jack Aitchison for Celtic in 2016. Matt Hatch for Central Coast Mariners in 2021. England one-cap wonder Michael Ricketts for Walsall against Brighton in 1996. Maheta Molango - now the chief executive of the Professional Footballers' Association, because of course he is - for Brighton against Reading in August 2004. And Yan Dhanda for Swansea City at Sheffield United in 2018.

Meanwhile, the same column also tackles European stadiums with low Google ratings, losing hat-tricks, and the last time Spain had less than 50% possession. Because nothing says "football journalism" like a deep dive into the internet's collective opinion of concrete bowls.