Saturday afternoon football delivered goals, chaos, and one match that lasted barely fourteen minutes before the sky said 'enough.' Here's everything that happened while you were waiting for the kettle to boil.
In the early Premier League kick-off, Aston Villa beat Manchester City 2-1, a result that presumably had Arsenal Women's fans checking their watches and calculating whether a Lime bike could get them from Tottenham to the Emirates in time. Arsenal Women had just won the north London derby 2-1 thanks to Alessia Russo's second-half penalty, lifting them to 6th in the WSL, one point and two places behind Spurs, who have now lost three in a row. Manchester City lead the WSL with six wins from six and face United in the derby tomorrow. Cathinka Tandberg had headed Spurs into the lead, but Georgia Stanway hit back minutes later, and Russo sealed it. Renée Slegers will be relieved; five league games without a win had made her seat a touch warm. Seven minutes of stoppage time were added, much of it for Alice Sombath's serious-looking injury at the start of the second half.
At the Emirates, Arsenal led Everton 1-0 at the break after a thoroughly messy goal. A run of corners ended with Jordan Pickford and Vitaliy Mykolenko getting in a muddle and Ezri Konsa forcing the ball home. Whether it counts as their first set-piece goal of the season is a matter for the statisticians and the pedants. Arsenal had five corners by that point. Everton have won just one of their last 30 away Premier League matches against Arsenal (D5 L24), and David Moyes is winless in 13 league road trips against the Gunners. Before kick-off, Arsenal paid tribute to former managing director and life president Ken Friar, who died two weeks ago at 92; there's a footbridge and a statue of him as a boy outside the Emirates.
Viktor Gyokeres made his first Premier League start of the season for Arsenal, having set up the equaliser against Bayern Munich in midweek. The Sweden striker scored 21 times last season but has yet to find the net for his club this season in nine appearances, mostly as a substitute. With Bukayo Saka absent, Eberechi Eze came in on the left and Noni Madueke on the right; Mikel Merino also made a rare start. Everton were without Jack Grealish due to sickness and Jarrad Branthwaite due to concussion protocols. David Raya had a few skittish moments, taking too long with a clearance and conceding an indirect free-kick (a 'free corner,' technically) from which nothing came. He also made a mess of a punch, requiring Gabriel to clear off the line. Barry had a big chance for Everton after Ben White's weak header back to Raya, but poked rather than rounded the keeper. Tyrique George curled one wide. Mikel Arteta looked agitated, which is his resting state.
At Coventry, it was 0-0 against Fulham at the break. Thomas-Asante had two chances for the hosts, Fulham dominated possession, and Oscar Bobb found Josh King, whose shot smashed off the woodwork. Coventry's XI: Rushworth; Van Ewijk, Thomas, Pinnock, Dasilva; Grimes, Yirenkyi; Sakamoto, Rudoni, Thomas-Asante; Cherif. Fulham's: Leno; Castagne, Affengruber, Bassey, Robinson; Larsson, Charles; Bobb, King, Iwobi; Garcia.
In the Championship, QPR were 4-0 up on Swansea inside the first half. Richard Kone scored a hat-trick in just 15 minutes - remarkable, given he hadn't scored since April - and Jimmy Dunne added a fourth. Swansea, who had conceded just eight goals all season, had the chance to go top. They did not take it. At the London Stadium, Southampton went 2-0 up at West Ham through James Bree's 'absolute thunderblaster' and Lewis Dobbin, before Kyle Walker-Peters pulled one back. Three goals inside 25 minutes. Middlesbrough, watching their two closest rivals implode, must have been loving it. Burnley led Lincoln 1-0 through Andreas Hountondji at a very windy Sincil Bank, only for Ben House to equalise from a long throw. Adam Armstrong put Wolves 1-0 up against Watford at Molineux. Sheffield United and Derby finished 1-1, Patrick Bamford equalising for the Blades. Portsmouth beat Millwall 2-1 after Jake Cooper cleared the ball into Thomas Waddington. Charlton lost 3-1 to Norwich. West Ham lost 3-1 to Southampton. Blackburn beat Wrexham 1-0. Cardiff beat Birmingham 1-0. QPR's 4-0 over Swansea was the headline. Preston 0-0 West Brom, Stoke 0-0 Bristol City.
In League One, Huddersfield beat Wigan 2-1, Luton beat Leicester 2-1, and there were wins for AFC Wimbledon, Blackpool (1-1 with Mansfield, actually a draw), Bromley, Leyton Orient, Plymouth, Doncaster, Notts County and Barnsley. Oxford 0-0 Bradford, Reading 0-1 Barnsley, Stevenage 0-0 MK Dons.
In League Two, Bristol Rovers 0-0 Swindon, Cheltenham 1-0 Newport, Northampton 2-0 Colchester, Chesterfield 5-0 Crewe, Rochdale 0-3 Accrington, Rotherham 2-1 Shrewsbury - a match still in the first half at 45+12 minutes, because apparently the clock is a suggestion. Barnet 1-0 Oldham, Crawley 0-0 Tranmere, Exeter 0-0 Fleetwood, Gillingham 1-1 Grimsby, York 0-0 Port Vale.
In Scotland, Dundee United led Aberdeen 2-1 at Tannadice, Zidane Iqbal opening the scoring and Dylan Tait restoring the lead after Guinness-Walker equalised. Falkirk 2-0 Kilmarnock, Rangers 1-0 St Johnstone through Kevin Kelsy - a win that would pull them within a point of leaders Celtic - and St Mirren 1-0 Dundee.
The weather had its say in Cumbria, where Barrow v Forest Green passed a 2:30pm pitch inspection, kicked off at 3pm, went 1-0 to Barrow at 3:01pm, and was abandoned at 3:14pm. A similar story at Cove Rangers in Scottish League One, except there it was the visitors, East Kilbride, who were ahead when the weather won. A couple of games were abandoned in total.
In the Women's FA Cup first round, Harrogate v Bolton kicked off at 17:30, and Brighton v West Ham in the WSL at 17:15. Chelsea v Tottenham in the Premier League rounded things off at 17:30. Somewhere, a cuppa went cold.